After Some Processing Time

And you know what else she said?! She said that there was some question about my dedication b/c I wasn't at BW. That is fucking hilarious because by the third year 7 out of 15 women usually drop out of the course. Being at BW doesn't mean you are dedicated, it means you are $40K plus in debt and have a very busy life and are always making potluck dishes to share.

I'm an 8 according to the Enneagram. That means I like challenges and I fear betrayal, so this is an odd situation for me. Lynette mentioned to me the other day that when she was coaching me she knew I was an 8 because I told her I wanted to start competing in a triathlon even though I don't know how to swim and I hate biking. She said most people in that position wouldn't even consider taking on a sport where they can't do 2/3 of it. Even now that idea still seems reasonable. (I taught myself to swim and started biking more, but moved away from triathlons because endurance running seemed more challenging. I can learn to do something for 90 minutes, but to do it for 5 hours!!! Ohh the joy!)

At any rate, this situation I'm in with my apprenticeship has me invigorated by the challenge. It feels like the Universe has given me to opportunity to really really study and learn my stuff. If I was slacking in my studies before, now I'm gonna be moving!

I Got the Apprenticeship

Well, I got what I wanted and now I feel weird. I feel unsettled and uncomfortable. I feel like my easy, happy  life is going to end. And I feel like I'm going to be scrutinized and judged and that I'm not really wanted there.

All apprenticeships are on a 3-month trial basis, which was mentioned to me in my interview. When I just spoke with my midwife she said there are some midwives who are resistant to me being there since I am not BW trained and I won't have the skills required for IV, blood draws, etc. She asked if I would be willing to take some BW skills classes. I said, no and that some skills study groups are supposed to be forming that I'll be a part of (need to make this happen). My midwife said that all the apprentices are BW trained (not true - there are two who are self-study) and it will be hard not being from BW....and therefore, this really is going to be a trial apprenticeship.

So I have an apprenticeship, but I don't.

An apprenticeship is where I get my skills from. This is the hands on learning method. Sure I can take a class on suturing now, but when I become a primary apprentice in a year or so I will have forgotten what I need to know.

My understanding of an apprenticeship is to be taught and learn. Now I feel highly under observation and that people are watching a little too close.

So this can be my opportunity to show them that it doesn't have to be all about the classroom - but again, I don't feel academically prepared for that step. This is where I need to put my actual school work second and learn what I need to learn for my job. A big balancing act.

I called Dave as soon as I got off the phone and he asked me why I took the apprenticeship if I was so hesitant. I think I would still feel this hesitant anyway, mainly because this is a change and I'm stepping into something that requires more from me and I'm moving out of this honeymoon that Dave and I are a part of.

I am going to keep my other apprenticeship interview at the other birth center. From everything I have heard about them, they would be more than happy to teach me those skills that I need to learn and understand that I'm still new.

When I sit with this, I feel comfortable. I think things are going to work out and this trial period is going to give me confidence to go on to something really great.

I Want the Apprenticeship

It seems the schedule would be much more my own than I originally thought. Not by much, but I would be able to have some sort of say when it comes to scheduling prenatals. No prenatals on Fridays. Weekend postpartum appts, of course. Prenatals Monday through Thursday and it could mean an appt at 9am and then not again until 2pm. BUT if Dave and I have plans, I can just block out the time. Mandatory meeting Monday morning and free yoga before that.

4 births per month, or more if I want it. A month off per year and then another week. December is super busy with tons of births and no time off. I'd be on call 4 weeks before the due date and 2 weeks after, so, like, all month for just one birth.

And then I'd be committing to working there after I become a CPM (Certified Professional Midwife) for 1.5 - 2 years as a Junior Midwife. So, they are guaranteeing me a job after I graduate. And this actually pays!

I want to work there. I think it would be great.

They are interviewing others and I should find out by next Wednesday.

Interview

I have an apprentice interview in 90 minutes with a different place. This is somewhere where I want to be - I'm familiar with it AND (most importantly) it's not a bad commute. In fact, I avoid the highway by working there.

Not driving is a HUGE part of my happiness. Being able to bike is awesome. Though I'm unsure how much biking I'll actually be able to do during my apprenticeship, it is an important option to me. Having to drive 40 miles in a day or get on the highway at all is a big turn off. It's enough to decline an offer.

I don't feel academically ready for this position and I'm going to make it clear during the interview what skills I can bring to the birth team. If they are willing to accept me and do some serious teaching, then I'll join them. I feel this decision is as much mine as theirs, and that feels great.

I also find it interesting that this position suddenly opened up right before my interview on July 3 - that makes my decision much easier.

Let's see: Doloris said I would have an apprenticeship in June, but it would be with an older woman. This preceptor is younger than me. Leah said I wouldn't be at either place and it would be in December. My ideal situation is something to start at end of October and be on my side of town.

If I do get it, I don't want to start immediately. July 13 feels like a good time for me, if I have to start soon. If I don't get it, then I'm more than happy, relieved even, and I can continue on with my magical summer of sunshine and study and be even more prepared come fall or even spring.

I am opening myself up to it - whatever it is.

Dance

I LOVE DANCING

Apprenticeship

I have an interview in July with a birth center for an apprenticeship, but I don't really want it. The gig would put me back on the

highway on a regular basis and commuting way too much. Plus I would have to start attending prenatals immediately and births

in October. I want to start my apprenticeship in Sept or Oct and not sooner. Plus, I've heard that another birth center has been

batting my name around for a Spring apprenticeship, which seems like an even better time frame.

Here's the deal though, if I got this near gig, I know I would really love it, except for the commute. I think that's all that really

hangs over this.

Do I pass it up if offered or will the Universe not give it to me if I'm not ready anyway?

My Last Night

My cramps came on an hour after yesterday's post. I felt disappointed by that because I was really hoping to not have them this month. For some reason I thought it would be different. Along with the disappointment, they were also very physically fatiguing for me.

Then I found out my grandfather died. It wasn't a shock, he was sick for a month or so. More than anything I was upset at how everyone can drop everything for a funeral, but not so much while the person is alive. That gets me every time.

Not quite realizing all the was happening to me emotionally and physically, I tried to go about my day, only becoming frustrated when I couldn't sit down for school or class work. Then I slowly realized why I just couldn't pull myself together - I've already had a hard day.

Dave had already left for the evening and the plan was for me to meet him in the evening to see Nathan M. Nathan is a singer-songwriter from VA that I have had a long-standing crush on. He's a drunk poet that writes beautiful songs about hurt love. And the only reason I'd go out last night was to see him play.

The show was amazing. One of the best sets of music I've ever had the privilege of seeing. I wanted the night to end there, but Dave really wanted our friend Christy and Nathan to meet and since Dave knows Natahan, he invited him up to an after-party at Chrity's place.

I didn't want to go. I really wanted to be satisified with the perfect night as it was and I also saw the disappointment the night was going to bring. As our friend Scotty said, "Trying to get Nathan to do anything is going to be pretty tough."

I also saw the hangers-on surrounding Natahan. I hated seeing people bend backwards like that. It hurt to see Christy try to get his attention and Dave waiting in line to talk. I especially hated the stares I got from a few girls as they saw Nathan being introduced to me. Really? Can people care about a stranger that much?

So we go to Christy's and wait. Then he shows up and immediately I am unhappy. His friends are lame and he's not that great either. Nathan or not, I never like sitting in a smoke-filled room watching people drink cans of Pabst.

I wanted to leave immediately, much more than I didn't want to go in the first place. I realized how successfully I have stopped this part of my life. The evening reminded me of college. I used to sit at parties, hoping to catch a blessing and go to bed with something special - a feeling of love, a cute boy to hold me, a drug to let me dream. Anything so I didn't have to be alone.

And that's what I watched in that room last night. People wanting to be recognized by a guy sitting in the corner wearing all brown and not aware of anything because people would suck his energy if eye contact was made.

Finally, after I told Dave I needed to leave, Christy kicked everyone out because she was also feeling the negative energy. People left and Nathan didn't even say good-bye to Christy.

What really got to me about last night was that sometimes I feel that Dave or other people think I'm just making it up when I say that I need to leave a social situation because it doesn't feel good, but when a psychic says it, well it must be true. As Christy was ranting about the negative energy she said that I didn't like it as soon as everyone walked it. I appreciated that validation.

So I woke up today feeling like someone forced me to watch the news. Just filled with negative energy and images of people wanting attention from someone who lost his heart in a crowd. And I questioned why I went to the after party - there was a part of me that was hoping to see a better part of someone else. When really, I didn't need to see any part of him to enjoy his music the way I do.

I'm Listening

Because of acupuncture and whales, I ovulated when is healthy and got my period of Day 28 - a rare event in my life. I had red blood on day 2 before cramps, another unique experience, and slept with a crystal made for midwifery, cramps and mothering on my second chakra all night.

My dreams were clear and emotionally pure all night. I woke feeling slightly crampy and told my body I would listen to what she needs as best I can today. She wants gently movement and a small bit of coffee.

Dave loves when I ask for coffee.

The Psychology of Birth

I have a mom who was due on the 1st and told by her insensitive doctor that she has a cervix made of steel and scheduled her induction for next week. She wanted to try some homeopathic induction methods first, so I gave her the instructions last night.

Since before her due date I felt there was a psychological reason as to why her cervix wasn't softening. Her relationship with her husband seems great, work is wonderful, no money concerns....I just couldn't seem to figure out the right questions to ask her to figure out why she wasn't going into labor.

So she starts the homeopathy last night and this morning sends me a frantic email about her pelvic pains that increased over night and that she can't go into labor today because it's her ex's birthday and she doesn't want her little girl to share the same birthday as him. Aha!

We chatted over the phone and I told her that if her daughter was born today then that would be perfect because no longer would she always think of her ex on this day - now the day would have new meaning and she would never have to carry that energy drain around again.

She agreed AND said she was stull going to hold off on taking more homeopathy until after the day was over.

I think it is amazing how powerful our minds are and what we can do with them. Every single time I experience the power of birth, I bow my head in praise.

Always Right

The answer is self-love.

Coarse Face

I've got something going on underneath the skin of my face. It feels coarse and I can see the essence of bumps under the skin. It feels tight and looks slightly speckled.

I noticed it on Saturday I think, after an infrared sauna, which according to the literature, often brings out skin issues. I don't think anything will come of it, but last night part of my dream involved me being on Page St and a woman grabbing me by the shirt and screaming, "Ohh yeah, look at your face!"

Now I'm a bit worried. Is something trying to come out? How do I allow that to happen without violence? Staying open and surrendering to my body...but more than that. I need to listen and ask what is going on ad what my body and spirit need from me right now.

OK, I'll do that at the park right now and see what comes up.

Back to Stories

I've asked my mother to continue telling me about my childhood through letters. The first of this series picks up at 2 months old when she noticed that my left foot turned inward.

She took me to a specialist and had shoes with a metal bar made for me and kept a brace on my leg at night. As a parent she decided to not allow any photos of me taken with the brace on, feeling that if I knew I was born with a problem leg (cause by the way I was laying in the womb) then I would have problems with my leg as an adult.

She said this was the reason I always was allowed to buy expensive, well-fitted shoes growing up.

My leg healed fine and she went on to describe the ways she watched me grow up, always keeping an eye on my leg. Through roller skating and field hockey, she was always aware.

It brings a whole new level to the way she raised me. I never knew she would pay so much attention to my leg, as I guess only a mother could.

My Perfect Day

Major AH-HA moment yesterday.

I sat outside all day, in the sun, by myself, reading, drinking water and staring at the roses. I always thought I had to leave town to enjoy that kind of day (Breitenbush or the beach) - but nope - I can create that right here at home.

The power....

I Love Whales

I've been going to acupuncture on time dollars from the PDX Timebank every week. And every week I've had the care giver play her whale cd. I've been so into the whales singing. During these sessions we work on my cramps and my ovaries.

So then I go to Trisha, the wonderful healer that I love so much, and she says that whales are all around me. She saw them nosing the cysts right off my ovaries!

And then during some reading for school, I came across an article about whale midwives. These female whales will accompany a pregnant whale throughout pregnancy, birth and 3 months postpartum. The midwife whale is present with the mom in a way that is nurturing, allowing mom to do exactly what she needs to do to have her baby in peace. The midwife whale looks on and is protective and only intervenes when necessary.

As an Adult

Every one of us is a simple child looking for love.

Healing Dream Update

All week my legs, specifically my thighs, have been so sore. I'm talking having to leave dance class because I couldn't dance. Yoga was near impossible. Never in my history as an athlete or simply an active person, have I been so sore when trying to do a specific task. Even after running a marathon I was totally fine. Day-to-day activities are fine, but dance, yoga and occasionally biking are killers.

All week I've been trying to figure it out with no success. At my weekly acupuncture appointment with Molly I was re-telling my week events when I remembered my dream on Sunday (last blog entry) - Ahhhh - YES!

The healing man sucked venom out of my body through my legs. And that is exactly what it feels like - like my legs are toxic and heavy as lead.

Not going to yoga or dance for 2 weeks and just going to take it easy and let my body heal.

Healed in a Dream

I dreamt that my mother, step-dad, Dave (though he was out of the picture most of the time) and me were visiting Australia, but it was actually India. We established a routine of leaving the hotel, going to the gluten-free bakery, then my mom and step-dad would get a massage.

After ordering my gluten-free biscotti I decided that I would get a massage as well. My mother and step-dad decided to stay in the room with me while I was getting treated and this made me painfully embarrassed and uncomfortable, though I didn't ask them to leave because I was enjoying the treatment so much - it actually left me sort of speechless.

I was naked laying on my back and covered. I also put a pillow over my face so I wouldn't have to see my mother. We were in a huge room and the guy treating me was an Aboriginal and Indian spiritual guy.

Instead of massage he was literally sucking the venom out of my body with his mouth. He started with my thighs and I would feel the poison come out and my body would relax. I felt it through my entire pelvic bowl and upper body.

Each time he put his mouth to my body my mother would grow more and more agitated. I could feel the energy grow tense in my dream but I was so comfortable and happy that I couldn't speak.

Eventually my mother freaked out and started yelling. My caregiver simply stood up and walked out of the room without a word. He sent in the female front desk worker to diffuse the situation and asked them to leave.

Now alone back in the room, my healer came back and I noticed that he was topless and wearing light blue silk pants that were a g-string, but his butt was covered with an attached light blue silk skirt. He performed a ritual dance before beginning.

When he approached to continue my healing he said, "Obviously I don't care for that woman." I asked him what is wrong with my mother. He talked about her skin being older than her because she is bitter and angry inside.

He continued the treatment as I looked out the window and watched Indian girls perform ritual dance in the street.

After my treatment I went to Page Ave. (my childhood home) and saw that my mother had thrown out all the gluten-free muffins from the bakery into the sink. She started yelling again about me being a whore and him taking advantage of me (typical real-life drama when I was in high school). She went on about me being into weird things and being messed up (typical present life thinking).

We stopped arguing and I told Dave what had happened. We heard Nan upstairs coughing and Dave asked that I lower my voice because I was upsetting Nan. Mom was standing next to her and we all knew Nan was going to die soon.

I woke up with my body feeling so great. I journaled my dream, meditated and read the affirmation cards I made in November and haven't looked at since. I feel amazing. Something definitely happened last night.

I decided to call my mother and check in. She was in her super, unnatural for her, happy state. I realized after I got off the phone with her that she never liked her mother (Nan). She was always her father's little girl. My feeling is that she decided to move in with her mother and take care of her until she died because she likes to suffer. She likes to torture herself and she probably felt guilt about her feelings toward her mother.

Wow - imagine making all those decisions. That I will never do.

Taking Care

This week I've been spending long nights in a new family's home, helping mom get the rest she needs so she doesn't fall into postpartum depression again, helping dad sleep through the night so he can support mom during the day, rocking through the night with a newborn in my arms and reassuring everyone that what they are experiencing is normal.

Being a Doula and Midwife takes all the love you have to give...and then a little more.

My Midwifery Education

What I do know is that I am so happy with the community, grass roots education I am receiving. Because of the ties I am making with the birthing community I am now co-facilitating 3 different childbirth education classes! That would have never happened if I had gone the traditional academic way.

I feel very out there - making connections with women and families. And I've got to wonder where we have all met before. Why have they allowed me into their most intimate, sexual moments of childbirth? It is such an honor.

I wonder if my being so open right now is why I am feeling so ungrounded and slightly crazy at times.

Desperate Avoidance

I've been without a laptop and a car while they both get repaired. Along with the two items I use most in my life, my body is also signed up for some repairs of it's own.

This is an interesting time for me. I'm feeling busier than ever coupled with a sense of desperate avoidance of my pending midwifery schoolwork. It's like I don't want to have to change the way my life is right now, yet deep down I am excited to get started.

I have to-do lists that are building up and instead I buy paint for the kitchen. I'm avoiding something. What is it? Why am I hurtling through space right now?

Guilt

I've been having lots of guilt lately.

I had guilt while I was sick a few weeks ago because Dave had to take care of me and the dogs. I wasn't able to do much of anything. Then I felt guilty when I got re-sick this week because there I was laying on the couch again while Dave was not doing the things he wanted to do to help support our family.

Then there was the guilt on Sunday for being so miserable and sick for our 7th anniversary. I so wanted to do the things we planned, even though I knew Dave felt like building garden beds and I felt like sleeping. So I made us go out and do stuff. Guilty.

On Monday I attended a mom's labor as her Doula, which ended in a Cesarean Birth - much to my surprise. The monster medical machine took over her entire labor and forced her into surgery. This was not what we hoped for.

Could I have intervened more? Should I have better educated them prenatally? Did I miss some key things that I should have known which would have helped this family have a normal birth?

The next day I was sick again, this time with cramps to boot. Guilt over everything that day.

And then there is my general underlying guilt about not making any money to support us. That is always present.

And of course the guilt I feel every time I get called into work. When the phone rings and I have to work, that means I have to drop everything, uncommitt to plans I made and leave all the meals and doggy care up to Dave. Ohh, and the car. I usually have to take the car with me, which leaves him scrambling for transportation.

My non-schedule also left us in a tizzy on Monday when my mom went into labor. She was 2 weeks early, my bags were not packed and she was laboring fast. Dave and I both in the kitchen trying to get shit done in a short period of time is not a good thing. Only one glass broke.

Guilt.

My Thoughts on School

I have such a combination of feelings about enrolling in my school. I've (mostly) let go of judgements and biases about attending a distance program, but I still wonder how the hell I'm really going to learn about placentas, for example, without a freezer full of them for me to touch and look at. Then I remember that that is what my apprenticeship will be all about.

I started reading a textbook on prenatal care and it talked about the different ways of becoming a midwife. It mention BW, the school I had originally applied to, as an option but it really supported the distance learning that I am doing through the school I am a part of. In several places it mentioned the director's name, the book she has written and why this method of learning is a great avenue. That made me feel good.

A part of me is worried that I won't be able to fully ingest the coursework without someone feeding it to me in a classroom. I'm a great auditory and hands-on learner, so where will I get that experience? I'm concerned. But then I remember that I have weekly study dates scheduled with another student and I"m fully immersed in the birthing community, so if there are questions I have lots of midwives I can go to.

Aside: I am amazed and honored that I am so immersed, in such a short time, with the Portland birth community. It's wonderful for me.

I started getting emails from the school already and I need to leave behind my corporate idea of professionalism. It's okay that the emails are in purple font and random things are highlighted and in bold. This has always been a pet peeve of mine in the work world, though I live my personal life in colored font. This is a step toward full integration.

What I always want to try to keep in mind is that I don't want to become super absorbed, where nothing else matters, except my school work. I have a tendency to immerse and challenge myself, but that's not what this is about. I have chosen this path so that I can have freedom to take a week off whenever I want and take care of my family. And learn at a pace that is right for me, without the shackles of schedules.

This is going to be good. I am excited and nervous. And there is nothing wrong with being nervous. I feel open and ready.

Public Spirit Messages

I love these Soul Cards. They allow you to decide what each card means, each time it falls in your hands.

This card was selected by Dave, before he gave me a get-well massage last night. My first thought was that she was feeling her way around, used to being in the dark, but it's actually well illuminated for her. Her hands are healing. She is movement.

Dave interpreted the card as someone coming up against walls, but this time the walls are glass and easily moved though.

What do you see?

Officially a Midwifery Student

I did it! I paid my tuition and I am enrolled!

I've always been a midwifery student, now I just have the coursework to go along with it.

March Bookend

March has always held me fascinated, ever since I read Julius Cesar. My mystical health crisis started in March and perhaps this is my body's way of repeating the cycle, in a less explosive manner. It's getting rid of what it doesn't need and telling me to take my time and relax.

How much easier it is this year.

Excessive Wind

I knew as I rode my bike home from work on Sunday night that the wind blowing into my neck was going to make me ill. So, I've been sick since Monday.

This has been one of the best illness I've had because I haven't resisted being sick. When amazing birth opportunities crossed my path I didn't wish I wasn't sick or will myself to get better. I just figured that if I'm well enough to attend, then I'll be able to attend.

I spent the last 2.5 days on the couch with my dogs, taking care of myself with Miso soup, blood oranges, lots of tea and a silk scarf around my neck. Every night I went to bed and thought that surely the next day I would wake up feeling better.

This morning was my first grumpy day. Up at 4 because of swollen sinuses, I messed up my ginger tea and demanded I was taken care of sweetly or left alone. After brekkie I got over my impatience and am now accepting of another day on the couch, reading books and crocheting.

It's so much better to accept a time of rest than fight it every which way.

Tea Saying

Let things come to you.

Ready to Enroll

I mailed in my application for school, now I just need to make the $3,150 payment. Scared.

It's such an odd thing I'm doing because I know I'm never really going to become a Midwife, but I have to follow this path to discover this other thing I'm meant to do. Luckily, I love birth and mothers and children, so it is a pleasurable path. But it's still odd to know that this isn't where I'm heading.

That's a pretty intuitive thing isn't it? I knew it all along and now I just see the humor in it all. How strange.

Anyway, Dave struggles with change and he feels our lives changing already. It's in his lungs and chest. He knows that making that payment is going to set off a huge string of events that will make me way busier than I've ever been, which will make him busier than he is now.

Believe me, I love our life now. I take care of the dogs, make dinner and ride my bike everywhere so Dave can have the car. I get anxious when I think about my life changing as well. There is also a part of me that, more than anything, wants Dave to continue having an easy go of it. I've considered not doing my thing so I can continue supporting him time wise.  But that's not sustainable and not what I really want.

It's just another change and we'll make it work. Balance.

Ecstatic Dance

I've been really into ecstatic dance (minus the partners). I used to only dance while on drugs, but this is so much better than the drugs. All this time it's been in the dance - who knew.

My usual dancing involves lots of movement, a sort of intense evoking of a Goddess, but I just wasn't feeling it tonight. The music was more like a string of sounds and it felt better to stand in one place and move. This was good because I got to feel what it's like to make my body do something I didn't want to do and compare it to what it fells like to do something I truly needed to do, which was stand and move. I just followed the songs and slowly my body started wanting to move more and more and I got into my usual rhythm of energy. 

At the end of the dance an older man came up to me and asked if I knew what a firefly was. He said I made him feel like he was a reed in a magical world that I created and I was a firefly dancing between the spaces. He said I was beautiful to watch and he thanked me for making him feel like he was on another astral plane.

Wow! And he wasn't even hitting on me!

I take my dancing seriously. Each of my movements come from a sacred place that is very dear to me. His compliment left me smiling.

1 am

Woke at 1 am and have got to wonder what organ system is active during that hour. I bet it's the spleen.

My friend, has started her acupuncture business and works on a sliding scale and trade, so I'm going to start regular sessions of needling. Since I've been doing my own thing, the only kind of work I've craved is chiro and acupuncture. Interesting since I've never been a huge acupuncture fan and haven't been cracked on a regular basis in years.

I think I have excess wind in my body. That might be why I have skin problems still on my back and toes and occasionally behind the ear. The clearing of the channels might help.

So 1 am. Here I am.

Full Moon's Daughter

Full Moon's Daughter

It's the new name of my Doula and Workshop into Midwifery into Healing business.

It's the claiming of who my mother is.

It's the self-identification of myself as a daughter, something I've never done before.

It's the focus on the power of the moon.

It's the healing power of the womb.

It's bringing back the ancient woman.

It's lighting the path of birth and healing.

It's safety in the darkness and confusion.

It's a friend.

So many things.

Dream State

I had a really great dream state last night, but I can't remember it this morning. What I did realize in the first hour of waking is that I should take my time with my waking. I don't have to rush to a job (usually) so why do I rush out of bed and onto the laptop?

Through childhood to just a few years ago I would open my eyes and my feet would hit the ground running. I loved being awake and starting my day. A few years ago I developed a meditation practice and a morning ritual and allowed my mornings to unfold slowly.

I haven't been doing that lately and because of that, at least for today, I can't access the interesting world I left when I woke up.

So, starting tomorrow, I'd like to lie in bed for 15 minutes after waking and just feel my body come back to this world. Rather than check my email or put dishes away, I am going to sit on the couch and drink a cup of tea.

That's it - no card pulling or deep breathing. Just being. Being is what I want right now.

Public Spirit Message - The Singer of Transfiguration

Perhaps the image isn't as important as the message and that's why it will only upload sideways and then not at all.

The Singer of Transfiguration tells us, according to Brian Fround and the Faeries' Oracle, that we have been through the gate, we have passed through the initiation process, and we have reached a new way of being, reflecting deep transformation within ourselves.

I know when I pulled this card, the day before I attended a Midwifery Conference, I certainly felt this to be true. This card represents the joy of success after a time of struggle. A new way of life has been accepted and is being integrated.

Public Spirit Message - Peace Offering

According to Doreen Virtue, this card heralds the resolution of an argument or misunderstanding. Those involved in the situation are ready to forgive and forget. Be open to seeing the other person's point of view to soften any hard feelings. As you allow compassion into the situation, love's healing power ensures that everyone's needs are met harmoniously. Leave the details about how the situation will be resolved to the infinite wisdom of Spirit.

Be willing to forgive. Have compassion for everyone involved in the situation, including yourself. Accept another's apology. See humor in the situation.

To Satchel, From Dave

All my love to my old friend, 

the oldest I've ever had, 

a part of me that split off

long ago and comes back

again and again. 

My First Birth

To be present for 12 hours is amazing.

To know that I've done this before, many, many times, is grounding.

To flow with mom is powerful.

To see white angels is a gift.

To channel energy to open a cervix is tingling.

To know mom can do it is certainty.

To watch mom bleed too much makes me tremble.

To watch mom be a mom is affirming.

Vision Boards

What to do with old vision boards?

I want to clean out clutter & was going to toss them, but started to feel like I was throwing away  journals.

Any ideas?

Homeschooling - Part Two

Dave says:

It seems to me that you are moving toward your shadow by choosing the online school over the other school. Reasoning: the physical school aligns with what you know and what you believe; the online school is a shadow of the physical school, and in that way a shadow of yourself as well. 

If you continued to pursue the physical school, you would be growing a part of yourself you already know; by pursuing the online school, you are coming into closer contact with your shadow side, and therefore opening up new levels of yourself that thus far remain untapped and unknown. 

You truly are on the right path toward deeper discovery, meaning and understanding of your entire soul.

What a good point he makes. The traditional school is, of course, absolutely more comfortable for me. The shadow is everything I'm pursuing with this career; Not having a schedule, not knowing when I'll be called in, not going to work in one location, not having a routine, not having healthy food around me, staying up all night - sometimes for days in a row, holding and touching, blood and mucous - this is all my shadow.

Pursuing this shadow side of myself has made me more compassionate, more accessible and more a mother. It makes sense that I should continue this path to the online school.

Homeschooling

I realized during 3rd Eye tonight (a spiritual group Dave and I are a part of) that I have been utterly concerned about what people will think of me attending an online midwifery program. I've been worried about their judgements and if they will think that this programs lives up to their standards.

Somewhere during our meeting these thoughts became conscious as I looked around at my friends who are living their lives in spite of other's judgements.

Who cares what people will think of what I'm doing. I have AN AMAZING SUPPORT NETWORK that believes, without a doubt, that I can do anything I want. And they know that I know what's best for me.

This means I don't have to explain why I'm choosing to go to Ancient Art Midwifery Institute or why I'm not reapplying to Birthingway next year or why why why. Because I am. Because this is my decision and I am proud of making it. I love myself and my decisions are expressions of self-love and compassion.

If ever I sink into that space of worrying about other people again, I just need to picture telling Trisha, an amazing healer and angel worker, what my plans are. She is supportive of everyone and lives that support in her own life. She does what brings her joy and by doing that, she spreads that love to others. That is the gift I am giving to this world.

Gone are Those Feelings. Arrived is Light.

Whenever I have readings or energy work I'm always very open and sensitive the next day, which usually results in me being closed off and short with Dave. This happened after a session with our Clairaudient on Saturday night.

This reaction was surprising to me since she is very earthy and grounded and not at all into energy exchange on that level. Not to mention that my last reading with her didn't leave me feeling that way. But there was a difference between those two readings.

The first reading was more doomsday and scary and, though it felt real, it didn't fully resonate. This weekend's reading was the first reading in my life where I had already known everything she said.

Finally, my intuition was really kicking in and here was this woman from LA confirming my ideas and giving me that extra boost I needed to fully embody my own clairvoyance. This was amazing.

When I look back on it from that perspective, I'm not surprised that on Sunday I woke feeling open and huge and therefore protected and short. But those feelings carried over to Monday. I grew distant and couldn't put my finger on it. I could barely identify what I was feeling. Yesterday was the same thing but worse, I developed a huge headache and was super drained and tired.

Aside: Ever since ending my healing sessions with Dr. Leah I've started getting headaches again at the rate I used to before I was seeing her. I'm looking at 3-4 per cycle again.

Yesterday was odd because I knew it was more than a headache. I was beyond listless or tired or unmotivated. It was like nothing even existed. I didn't even have thoughts like, I should be reading or working on something. I didn't even really know what I wasn't doing.

I napped for 40 minutes, feeling in my sleep my headache growing and growing. Finally, I took Advil, which I don't like to do for headaches because of the large amount I have to take for my cramps every month. As soon as I took those pills I was instantly better.

Without a thought I resumed my normal life and felt great. Super energized. Amazing.

Last night I had great dreams, but I can't remember an ounce of them. I realized in my sleep that those feelings of discontent and that massive headache was actually the last bitterness and anger I was holding onto around not getting into school.

It's all gone now. I've released and opened up. I'm accepting and welcoming everything new that is happening to me. I want it to happen and I am ready.

In the past I would have held onto those negative feelings. Never once even being aware of them. Sickness would be their result.

Now look. I moved through it! I feel so wonderful and renewed. Everything is open to me again.

School and School

Online school with a cool name? I've been thinking about enrolling. Doing my research. It makes sense since midwifery is not my end goal.

I was a bit thrown off by the president's use of language around fear when I first spoke to her, but since talking to more folks enrolled in the program I get where she is coming from.

She trusts birth to it's very core. Way more than I trust birth at this early stage. I am very aware of the risks and precautions around this event -  when the veil between life and death is at it's thinnest.

Ancient Art Midwifery believes in being uber prepared for everything (like that) but rarely rarely using it. An example, the midwifery school here in Portland teaches that midwives should, if mom agrees, hold the perineum during birth to protect it. That, technically, is considered an intervention since a woman is not likely to release and open if someone is holding them down there. At AA, you are trained to do that, but instructed not to unless asked. It's very much learning to sit back and observe. That I dig - a lot.

I'm scheduled to speak with a BW graduate who had an AA apprentice and learned so much from her way of birthing. She said if she could do it all over again, she would have gone to this school. 

And I emailed the president of the online school and asked her why her choice in such negative language - who is that helping??

I still need to do more research, talk to folks, and get more comfortable with online learning (not the format but the stigma I carry that it's just not good enough).

Public Spirit Message - Healthy Lifestyle

"Eat a healthful diet, get adequate sleep, and exercise regularly for optimal health"

Thank you Raphael and Doreen Virtue.

No More Judging

I've been judging my experience and that is what's been most difficult. I've been telling myself that I'm not as good as I should be since I am struggling to figure everything out. I've been doing that and not even knowing it.

With this realization I am now begin to accept where I am and enjoy it way more. I know that it's okay and really probably a wonderful thing.

This has been an altering experience.

Easy, Not So Much

I've been thinking that this path I'm on should be easy since it's what I'm supposed to be doing. But maybe that's not the case. Maybe it's okay that it is difficult and that's what makes the experience richer.

Just because I have come to this point from wisdom and passion doesn't mean it will be smooth. Accepting that is probably the first real step. And if I did attend BW, that doesn't mean everything would be easy either. It would be a challenge in it's own way.

I think I'm starting to get it now. This is what I have been learning from the Tao.

Eleven - From Tao Te Ching

Thirty spikes share the wheel's hub;

It is the center hole that makes it useful.

Shape clay into a vessel;

It is the space within that makes it useful.

Cut doors and windows for a room;

It is the holes which make it useful.

Therefore profit comes from what is there;

Usefulness from what is not there.

Ancient Arts

Hills and Valleys. Up and Down. Manic.

Hi, this is Courtney from facebook.......

Got introduced to a gal who runs a self-study midwifery group in Portland and is looking to start a new one that meets every week. She said I am welcome to join.

She is enrolled in an online course for midwifery and really thought long and hard about that decision. I've heard good things about the school she goes to and she really likes it.

I feel better after talking with her - I've just been talking with too many BW students.

Is this the way I should go about it? I contacted the school (tuition is much better than the one here in Portland) and am going to talk with some ladies at the study group in March who are self-study and enrolled online.

This seems so much less daunting - though my new friend did say how very difficult the coursework is.....I can handle that, just need some guidance.

Question

What is wrong with me?

Desire

On a walk this morning, and continuing now, I am filled with anxiety. I want to be accepted at school. I want to go to this school. And what about my books? I should just buy them now in case I get accepted late and I don't have enough time to get them.

Similar to wanting your ex-boyfriend to like you again, this is how I feel. So strongly. With so much passion.

Twelve from Tao Te Ching

The five colors blind the eye.

The five tones deafen the ear.

The five flavors dull the taste.

Racing and hunting madden the mind.

Precious things lead one astray.

Therefore the sage is guided by what he feels not by what he sees.

He lets go of that and chooses this.

Waiting for Birth

I think part of my problem is that I'm waiting. Waiting for SOMETHING. But really I am living and not accepting it.

I realized this when I went to grab a hat from my closet and saw that it needs to be organized. Then I thought, yeah, I'll just wait to see what is happening in my life before I do that.

Ummm, what the hell does that mean?

I'm still expecting to get into school, yet my surface thoughts tell me that that school is the last place I need to be full-time - it's not been made for me. But where does that leave me?

I'm also waiting to hook up with a midwife. But I'm waiting to pursue that until until until, I guess until I close the book on this school.

Over Me!!!!!

Maybe this is what I need and anger is serving me. I've never been very good at directing my anger appropriately. As Dolores says: How Courtney looks and what Courtney feels are very different.

Im just pissed though. My honest reaction is, " MEEEEEEE. THEY CHOSE HER OVER MEEEEE?!!" And I feel like such the prom queen in high school (like I'd really know what that feels like) when I say it. I mean, I feel that so soundly in my body. "MEEEEE! HER OVER ME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN!??"

I chose the day of my interview and invariably chose who was on my interview committee. Why did I point to that block and select that date? No one that I have spoken to had an experience like me and the other girl who interviewed on the same day. It was disorganized and one girl couldn't even stay for my interview.

HER! THEY CHOSE HER OVER ME?

THEY LIKE HER BETTER?

I was so angry I called Roto Rooter because of their stupid stupid stupid advertisement they sent me in the mail today. I hated that advertisement and called them to let them know. And you know what, they said many people have been calling about that advertisement and they have no idea why it went out to people.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS PEOPLE??? That means there are folks in this world who spend their days calling places to tell them their advertising sucks. These are people who are not pissed because they didn't get into a school, these are just pissed off people in general. I mean, at least I'm not them, right?

WTF

Got the complete list of students accepted at the school and AM SHOCKED by one person who made it in. She was totally ungrounded and completely lacking social skills. And this wasn't just my experience.

So, I mean, WTF!

I'm back to being angry again. This isn't serving me.

Why Me Anyway?

Well, the one midwife I know isn't busy enough to take on an apprentice. I'll be working with an ND Midwife at a birth in the next week, and she is someone I really like, so I can ask her. But really, why would anyone take me on as an apprentice, someone who knows very little, over an actual student of Midwifery - someone who comes with knowledge? Personality I guess. But this is just so hard.

After that, my next option is to go to an OMC (Oregon Midwife Council) meeting and announce my intentions to other midwives and see if anyone is interested in having me help out. All I fear here is rejection.

I'm rejection-shy right now and besides, my constitution is all about fearing rejection. In fact, up until this point I've really always set my life up so that I'm not rejected and I'm in control. This is a little much.

Now

I feel like my whole life has been leading up to this.

Can you imagine what that feels like?

Am I Ready for THIS?

I meet with an apprentice midwife who is not attending school and studying to sit for the big midwifery exam on her own. And now I feel less sure than ever that I could do it. She didn't say anything that was new to me, but it requires a lot of discipline. So much motivation.

On one hand, I'm completely entrenched in self-study now as a Doula - but this is easy stuff, nothing technical here. As a self-study midwife I'd have to learn how to make a mattress suture vs. a continuous suture on a woman, which is much more difficult outside of school. Finding women to practice pap smears and IVs on might also be a challenge.

There are study groups in Portland. It's just a matter of me networking and finding them. All the same ways I would have to find several midwives to take me on as their apprentice.

I feel like the Universe is giving me the opportunity for a huge self-confidence boost here. Taking the AP class at school as a pre-req showed me that I am smart enough. So I don't technically think I'm not intelligent enough to do this, it's more that this is way bigger than school. It's relaying on my own strengths and understanding of who I am and what I need. And that is really really scary.

Guilt

I feel guilty about so many things lately. I can't cover some one's shift at work and I feel guilty. I think I'm a bad friend and feel guilty.

Then I find myself depressed about 1 every 7 days. How odd. Usually people experience depression on a fairly consistent basis right? Most days I'm happy, then something external - it's always external - happens and I allow myself to sink into laying on the couch and feeling guilty about something.

Part of it has to do with my lifestyle. I feel like I shouldn't be able to have it so easy after getting laid-off. I mean, my life is exactly the way I want it to be and I feel (slightly) bad about it. The other part is fear that this lovely lifestyle won't be around for much longer. And there is a third part....not sure what it is.

Belly Dancing

I told Dave that I was going to look into taking belly dancing classes so I can have even more tools to help women through labor (belly dancing being traditionally used as a way for women to demonstrate how to move to help the baby be born). 

He laughed and said he knew why I was doing all this. When I asked why, he said it's really all for me - everything I am doing is to help heal myself, but I don't think I'm worthy of this much work, so I say it's for other women and that makes it acceptable.

He's so right. I would never take a belly dancing class for just myself because my hips are so tight and I'm self-conscious of my stomach. But doing it for someone else, well that's not a problem.

I think lots of women don't feel worthy enough to really take the time to peel back the layers and sit with what hurts; be it shame, unworthiness, guilt, or a million other feelings we all have about our bodies, our mind, our relationships, career, the way we interact.........

And Now...

I don't even feel the same way now that I felt this morning. And this is how I've been feeling - up and down - for several weeks. Sometimes I feel how I'm spending my time is worthwhile and other times I think I'm a total joke.

Maybe...

I had the realization last night that perhaps I'm not meant to be a full Midwife. From the beginning I've said that Midwifery is not the end for me, there is something more I'm working towards. But for most women Midwifery is the end, and for good reason. They spent lots of money, energy and time to earn proficiency at something very technical. It's sorta like someone saying they want to become a doctor only so they can work in politics in the medical industry.

But I'm still romanced and wide-eyed when it comes to Midwifery. I want to catch babies. I want to be clinically responsible for women during their childbearing year. I want to be THAT person.

Maybe my role is more of a witness. Perhaps I'm meant to work as an assistant Midwife, still attending births but without the large responsibility. And then I'm meant to work in other fields around birth, as I'm doing now. Through that path, my greater calling will unfold.

I feel good about what I discovered. I'm still clinging to Midwifery b/c it is so important to me, but I'm starting to open up to other things.

It Feels Good This Morning

I woke up feeling really great this morning. Some part of the darkness lifted in the night. I've let go of something and feel giddy and light. This is definitely the first time I haven't felt so physically hard.

I realized that I've been given an option. Rather than having one choice, I now have multiple choices to my midwifery path. That's pretty outstanding. Hmm, now which way do I want to go?

As of now, I do know that I will not re-apply next year. By that time I'll have figured something else out. I don't want to be in school until I'm 37, it feels like a now or never situation for me. But then, is now really even an option?

Let's say I do get accepted. I feel like I'd be there for a year and then leave. But it takes a lot for me to quit so would that mean I would actually be stuck? Is there a group of midwives out there just waiting to apprentice me?

My Doula Business

It consciously occured to me as I was meeting a potential Doula partner for tea the other day, that I'm starting a business. I knew that was what I was doing, but it always sat second fiddle to becoming a Midwife.

Now that school is up in the air and I'm open and waiting to meet a Midwife to apprentice with, I've organically begun my Doula business.

With that intention I went shopping. I bought shoes that can support my body, essential oils to help open cervixes, chase away demons in the birth room and energize a tired mother. I selected a fine carrier oil for massages and bought herbs to help ease back labor and homeopathy to naturally induce labor.

I'm working on tip sheets to provide to clients, both prenatally and postpartum, and I'm looking at local organizations to partner with.

This feels good. Not complete, but good.

Skin to Skin

I woke up with a strange red sun spot on my forehead this morning. I ate dairy last night and have had more sugar in my diet lately.....Hmmmmm

Take the Work Out of Your Face

At yoga class last week the instructor said, "Take the work out of your face."

Brilliant!

Try it. Right now. Relax your face then continue with your reading. It's much better without the work.

The Dansko Lady

If you live in Portland and you like good shoes, then you've probably been to the clog store on Hawthorne and you've probably met the lady who runs the shop. She knows everything about shoes and is super helpful and kind.

I ordered a pair of shoes that I knew I wanted to wear as a Doula, but right before purchasing them I told her that I was buying the shoes to attend births and that I could be on my feet for 30 some hours. She recommended a different pair of shoes, ones made of wood and designed for that exact purpose.

They were the most comfortable shoes and I bought them immediately. As I was leaving the store she said, "Now isn't that serendipitous. You come in here with a plan, knowing exactly what you want, but you leave with something totally different but more fitting for you!"

Ohh, I said, that's the story I'm living right now.

Hills and Valleys

Stacy has been offering me absolutely magical and divine guidance, all disguised as comments to my last two posts. Her words are so right on and really show me a different way of looking at it. I think she should be a professional advice giver.

Yesterday, I found out about not getting that client and then the birthing center calls me to work (just like last week when I didn't get accepted). Another great gift I was given to forget my ego and worries and become enveloped in a new family again.

The mom sent her husband home for the night (this was my first overnight) and she was chatty and probably a little lonely. So when I wasn't on my belly scraping blood off the tub with a toothbrush, I was laying in bed with her and listening to her talk about old boyfriends, husbands, babies and other halves.

I feel good again. I never really understood the hills and valleys of life until now. Most of my ups and downs involved boys - lost and confused loves and feeling too young to know anything. None of it seems real now, it was all so long ago.

Last week I was hanging onto the idea that not getting into the school is really the first time in my life I didn't get what I wanted. Is that a crazy thing to say? Do most people generally feel that way and here I am uttering it for the first time at 32?

During the interview process I would think that because I've always gotten what I wanted, then of course I would get in. So now it's not that I feel I didn't get what I wanted, it's just I'm learning what waiting and patience really is.

It's funny how you think you know - sure I learned about surrender and staying present with my face stuff - but now I'm learning it with life. Like Stacy said, I'm learning heartbreak. And that's ok.

I'm Just So Confused

What the hell is going on? I just don't get it. What the hell am I missing?

I went to visit a family on my first Labor Doula interview. They interviewed me, we totally clicked. I coached the mother around some fears, she cried when I told her how strong she was....I thought for sure I had the job.

Nope. She called a few minutes ago to tell me she went with another Doula and she couldn't exactly say why. She thought I was great.

So what is going on? Why am I feeling so confident about things and they are turning out the complete opposite of what I think? I was sure we were going to work together. Actually, I had no doubt about it.

Anyone have any ideas?

More To It

My dream world is where I am pulling my ideas from. My power is coming from a light within. Friday a woke from a dream where Trisha, the wonderful shaman angel I work with, was packing up all her belongings and moving to the country. She handed me a very cool, handmade witch's broom to find my own way. She told me I didn't need that family anymore. In the dream I thought she was talking about my biological family.

Her response to my dream was even better........All is not what it seems to be...You are an amazing healer - helping others to realize they can be more than what the boxes offer. There are many beautiful components to birthing - teaching birthing classes, baby massage, coaching and writing article on the choices women do have in their birthing plan. You fit.........now the puzzle can form around you in divine flow....Your grace and compassion are true holy elements in creating everlasting joy.

I woke up angry and bitter, just as I had fallen asleep. Who are these self-righteous women to make the judgment that my path to discovery is not worthy. Who are they to arbitrarily assign a length of time that measures a woman's devotion.

I feel back asleep and dreamt of a table set with many places and even more plates of food. I was placing my share on my plate and the goblin at the table told me to take more. This feast was for me and I should not be limiting myself to what is comfortable. Feast and eat he said.

This second time I woke sealed like a clam and tamping down the light of possibility that never left. Through all this - the phone call telling me I wasn't even their 17th choice, facing those who knew my fate before I did and turning to a reality I waved aside in October after my interview, I still knew that it would work out better than I planned and wanted.

Dave and I left for the beach, cutting out of an important obligation with an important group of people - and probably angering some along the way.

I enjoyed my anger and reveled in my bitterness. I could be all Zen about it later. Interestingly, when I told people I didn't get into Birthingway, they talked the Zen talk with the caveat that they know I'm not ready to hear it now, that it would be awhile before I felt it again. But I never stopped feeling it. I was just choosing to be unhappy. True, yes, I am unhappy. And angry. And bitter. And I don't want to be a part of that school right now. But I also see all the potential this denial has given me.

Last night in my dreams I pulled a reversed tarot card of a white horse. I kept reading the several lines on the card, it's meaning alluding me now. What I was reading was occult magic and I woke to vomit in the bathroom. I laid back down and a sharp pain stung me below my belly button. As I was falling asleep a voice told me that my womb is birthing another idea.

The next dream had Dr. Thom, Dr. Leah's supervising doctor when I was sick with rashes, tell me to read "Fourth World" when I told him about my rejection. I couldn't see the second word and it might have been "Fourth War", which according to Amazon doesn't exist.

The dream took me to Leah's office where she was dealing with jealous peers and her advice to me, which I can't remember.

Today, I'm not angry or bitter. I'm heavy and sharp, not soft and happy like I have been since I got laid off.

I vision myself small, standing in a dark corridor with light spilling out from many doors. All I need to do is pick one and walk through.

If I got called to be a part of the school, which could still happen up through the second week in April (I was put on the wait list), I'm not sure how I would feel about it. Those first few days had me saying no way, which I felt was clearly my ego. Today, I'm not sure. Dave feels it's too limiting and I'm not meant to function in that box. He says that is where the two of us are alike.

There are other ways to becoming a Midwife, ways that don't require school debt and rigid structure. I'm not exactly feeling called to those paths, but I'm certainly not called to the school.

If I do get accepted, THAT will be the most difficult decision of my life. I feel it as a test. Do I do what is comfortable or do I chose to soar from the cliff.

I have minor anxiety. A slight panic.

The day I found out I wasn't accepted I got my first Labor Doula client and I worked with an awesome family at the birthing center. I held their old soul baby and watched her talk to angels.

Not Yet

And I have to go to work where 2 people are that made the decision about my future. They know. And probably my boss knows as well.

I knew as soon as I would see them, I would know.

So I called the school.

The front desk gal, when I told her what I was wanting, was surprised that I didn't get a call yet. She sounded happy to hear from me (she's on the interview panel), but she wouldn't tell me my status. She did tell my other friend her status, and this makes me think it is a no.

I'm  meant to get a call back soon. I don't want to be at work when I hear the news. But I have no choice. Everyone gets to see me cry.

WHEN

Another friend heard. I don't know if she called or they called.

When I sit, the answer is no.

I have to go to work now, and that makes everything so much harder.

The mail hasn't come.

I could call.

But I don't want to be told no over the phone.

Feeling Better and More Ready Than Ever

Feeling better today than yesterday. Stephanie called yesterday around 2 to let me know the school called her and she got in. Excited for her, then felt absolutely sad. Thinking they were going in alphabetical order, then my call should have been an hour away.

I never received a call and it was the first time my rejection at the school felt so close and real. Around 5 I saw on facebook that my other friend Sarah also did not receive a call. Since there is no way she is not getting in, I gave her a call.

We sat on the phone for a few minutes, barely speaking and feeling each other's sadness. It was good that I called.

Later, I was IMing Stacy and she had these words to say about not getting a call: 

Interesting. Seems like you're going to have to hold the space of being uncertain for a little while. Maybe you and Sarah are being challenged this way because the two of you have the resilience to deal with this.

I fully agree with Stacy and that helped me so much. I felt totally better after that and woke up this morning ready to open my acceptance package that should come in the mail today!

Admissions Dream

I slept well last night but woke up early and a bit unrested from an anxiety dream about getting accepted to school.

In my dream the admissions committee stopped at my name because it was getting late in the night and they were tired. Interestingly, I was using my maiden name to apply to the school. So they stopped at the letter S and listed the 3 other folks who were my competition. I cried because they were a tough group of people (all from my high school).

I think in my dream I was put on the waiting list.

Tomorrow or Thursday

I feel very present and aware, not anxious or nervous like my friends who also applied. In fact, I feel that nothing is going to change for me regardless of the school's decision. I'm on the right path and I am going to be guided to what it is I need to accomplish via the route that is perfect for me.

Word is that the school might be calling all the women tomorrow who have been accepted. Word also is that those accepted receive a package and those on the wait and no list receive a letter. I hate to think that I'll know the answer based on the size of the package.

Holding Space

Birthingway makes their decision tonight between 5 and 9.

Holding space at my house with 3 great women who are also applicants.

Should find out in a week.

Infinite Possibilities

Dave and I theme the new year, something we've been doing for several years. At the year in review in December it always turns out that the year fit the theme. One year our theme was bird-by-bird, a reminder to take everything one step at a time. Another year it was The Year of our Last Name, which was the year we both had amazing career growth. Last year was Think BIG, and I can't imagine a bigger year than last.

This year we are using the theme of New for '09........Everything gets to be new this year.

New for '09.....weekly family meetings. That's 15 minutes on Sunday when Dave and I sit down and plan out our weeks; who cooks dinner when, who walks dogs, when do we each need the car - those kinds of logistics.

New for '09......I'm beginning both a home and studio yoga practice. New for '09.....I'm going to be a full-time Midwifery student. New for '09.....Dave is going to publish books.

It's totally awesome.

A few days after I got laid off my ear skin issues went away. The day Dave got diagnosed with pneumonia, it came back. Clearly related to stress, there is also another component to it that I can't quite touch.

2 weeks ago I developed the same skin issue on my back. This has an added feature in that sometimes the skin on my back (small patch in the middle upper) turns green.

Last night I dreamt of one of Dave's Tarot cards. I don't know his decks very well, but this card stuck out. In my dream I was looking at a young boy from behind and on his back, where my skin is different, was the infinity symbol. It was shooting out from his back and also above his head. He had his arms raised above a table.

I woke up early this morning and meditated on that dream. What came to me was a brilliant sun glowing from my back.

Pulling his deck, I found that the card in my dream is the Magician card. The card shows him facing the reader, with the infinity symbol above his head and his one arm raised. On the table in front of him is a pentacle, cup, sword and staff.

The Magician is all about creativity. The Magician is responsible for linking the everyday sphere with the magical and spiritual world, something I try to do in my daily movements. A Tarot book of Dave's writes that when the Magician card appears, versatility is vital, for the Magician is a card of 'now'. "Something is bubbling up inside you and you feel excited and eager for change."

New for '09.

Woman Shaman's - Book Review

If you're looking for a solid book on the history of woman shamans who were Midwives and Healers, The Woman in the Shaman's Body is a great start. This book is all about reclaiming the feminine in religion and medicine, as the author Barbara Tedlock puts it.

Barbara makes a case that women, not men, are the oldest shamans and it's incorrect skeletal analysis and a history of archeology being a mostly male vocation that has led to misconceptions of the true history of healing around the world.

The book takes the reader on a journey throughout ancient cultures and modern villages where shamans, like midwifery, is a strongly feminine specialty. She also shares traditional practices of ancient people, like the Huichol tribe's practice of having the husband of a laboring woman's first child squat in the rafters with ropes attached to his testicles. As the woman goes into labor, she tugs on the tethers allowing her husband to share in her painful experience of childbirth. (To quote my husband, "That tribe is probably no longer.")

Below is a song from a shaman chanted while she was in an hallucinogenic trance. The first verse was recited in a feminine voice, the second verse was spoken in a stronger and more powerful masculine-sounding voice:

Woman who waits am I

Woman who divines am I

Woman of justice am I

Woman of law am I

Woman of the Southern Cross am I

Woman of the first star am I.

For I go up into the sky.

Lawyer woman am I.

Woman of transactions am I.

Mexican woman am I.

Woman like a clock am I.

Woman like an eagle am I.

Woman like an opossum am I.

Woman like a hunting dog am I.

Woman like a wolf am I.

I'll show my power!

All Is Well

Doreen Virture has created these wonderful cards infused with magic words. Here, Archangel Jeremiel reminds us that, "Everything is happening exactly as it is supposed to, with hidden blessings you will soon understand."

"Sometimes, what appears to be a problem is actually an answered prayer in disguise. When we ask for help, Heaven may dismantle the old to make room for the new. During this time of change, practice relaxation methods such as yoga, deep breathing, exercise and meditation."

What a PERFECT way to begin the new year.

New Year

As part of my new year gift to you, I will be posting Public Spirit Messages randomly throughout the year.

These gifts are meant to inspire, provoke thought, create openness and perhaps a sense of wonder.

Thank you all for being such kind and supportive readers. Blessings to you in the next NEW and WONDERFUL year. 

What I'm Learning About Being On Call

It's important that, if I have the inclination and the energy, then I should do what I want to do when I have the time for it.

When I got called out on Saturday the only thing on my list that I really wanted to do that I wasn't able to accomplish because of work was go to yoga class. That wasn't bad since I spent the day before active and happy about what I was accomplishing.

I could easily see that if I spent the day prior putting things off, then I probably would have felt a lot worse about missing my yoga class AND I would have had about 3 other things on my list that I was missing.

Being an on call Midwifery student is going to be all about living in the moment. No procrastination. No tomorrow.

This is just what I need.

My Work as a Postpartum Doula

I got called called out for the first time yesterday at my postpartum Doula job. Spent 8.5 hours learning how to chart and read medical records (soooooo much fun) and clean (no so much fun). 

The best part was the hands on stuff. I listened to the baby's heart from their chest, 6 places all clear, no dampness or crinkling. Baby's axillary (armpit) temp was just below 99, all good there. I took mom's blood pressure, first time I ever did that. Then came the pulse. Finding people's pulse is not something I'm good at, in fact, it's not something I have ever ever ever been able to do. And I barely succeeded this time. I think maybe I got it, but wasn't sure. In fact, taking people's pulse was one of my concerns about entering Midwifery school. Sure I'll let 16 women touch my cervix during class, but if I have to take their pulse.......

And then I externally felt around for mom's uterus, which was similar to when a doctor who was giving Satchel energy work asked me to put my hands under his and feel the energy. "Ummmm, I think maybe I feel it." I didn't feel the energy then and I didn't feel the uterus yesterday afternoon.

Then we got to review discharge instructions, reviewing what a normal size clot looks like, what the blood should smell like, when mom can have sex again and what that might feel like and we reassured her that with her first poop she will not deliver another baby. Apparently, because the similar muscles are engaged when pooping as when pushing, moms often freeze and become frightened with their first poop.

Then I got to watch the Midwife do a heel prick on the baby, something Doulas normally don't get to be there for, so I felt fortunate to watch the Midwife take a deep breath before sticking the baby and also struggle a little with getting the blood.

Ohh this is all so much fun.

And then I cleaned.

I cleaned blood off walls. I cleaned a toilet (ugh, first time I did that in 12 years). I scrubbed blood from sheets with a toothbrush. I poured 5 cups of bleach into a bathtub. I covered my face with a wet receiving blanket when I used wavacide, an extremely caustic chemical that sterilizes and kills everything it comes in contact with. I tried to work in double gloves when I used the nasty wipes to clean all the surfaces.

I used at least a dozen pairs of gloves, washed my hands a million times and applied lotion at least half that amount while I was there.

I did 5 loads of laundry, changed the sheets on 2 beds, autoclaved a suture set and took out the garbage.

This all feels pretty good. Except the cleaning part.

Back on It

It must be all the snowshoeing and yoga because I feel fantastic. Woke up at 3am ready to go. I feel bright and energetic and aligned.

Being inactive all these months was totally worth it considering how great I feel now that I started up again.

My Thanks

I am grateful for Dave. Satchel and Maji. My friends and family.

Thank you for my health, my body and spirit.

I am grateful for my home and money and surroundings.

Deepest appreciation for Portland and Dr. Leah and the health and healing of everyone I know.

I am grateful that I will receive my college acceptance letter and the community of healers I am becoming a part of.

I send my love to the Universe and to Mother Earth for all that she provides.

I bow my head in silence and love and thank you for these gifts.

Namaste.

Birthday Wishes

Strangest thing...my parents called to wish me happy birthday and all they talked about was how old I was getting. And not in a, ohh look at what you've accomplished or I remember when you were 3, kinda way.

This was all about that I'm nearly 40 and soon I'll be 50, then 60 and soon after that dead. When I told them that I will have accomplished a lot by the time I reach that age, my mother replied with, "well, let's hope so."

I got off the phone with them as soon as I could.

Cellular Softening

I woke up this morning and decided to celebrate my birthday by snowshoeing to yoga class. The last time I went to yoga was at the beginning of March, before my health crisis. Since then, in over 9 months, I haven't done one thing related to physical exercise, with the exception of walking the puppies.

So - I figured I'd be super tight, but this amazing thing happened. I am actually just as flexible as when I was attending hardcore yoga class twice a week. What I think happened is that through my transformation my body softened and now I'm actually able to become more flexible as I continue my practice.

Ohh and I felt the adhesions that Dr. Leah always works on in my ovaries during Savasana. This is just wonderful.

Here's to my 32nd year of health, movement and love.

Vision Board

This is my vision board hanging in my office, designed after a Bagua.

I've got long-term future at the top and moving clockwise, relationship and love, creativity, travel, career, wisdom, family and abundance.

Vision boards are something that really allow me to focus on exactly what I want and reminds me of my path when I forget.

This is the first vision board I've made on a bulletin board, usually it's a poster that I can keep forever. I'm really into the organic and fluid nature of this piece. I can add and remove as I see fit and am not stuck to only one way of doing things. 

Time to Begin

I've spent the past 4 weeks without schedule or practice and upon entering week 5, I feel it's time to begin. Without planning or formatting a routine, I'll be waking up tomorrow and meditating - seeing what comes.

I'm ready now.

Paying Bills with Gratitude

Stacy likes to draw flowers on her bills as she is paying them. It helps her give with gratitude. I've taken to writing on the portion of the bill why I am grateful for the utility or service.

Today I wrote that I love having a warm house and that water keeps me healthy.

Try it folks.

Reiki Attunement Manual

I'm doing this weird thing - I'm rewriting a Reiki manual that already exists. I have no idea why I'm doing this, I keep being drawn to it and while I'm copying the text I keep questioning what the hell I'm doing - but I can't seem to stop.

When I got attuned for Reiki Levels III & IV over the summer I got the idea to make my own attunement manual that I would use during other people's attunement sessions. The manual I was given is old, has misspellings, bad grammar, other people's doodles and notes because it's photocopied and isn't organized very well. Since those are all my personal peeves, I decided to re-write the book.

The copyright on the manual says that everyone may copy and edit as they see fit, so that feels good. But I still have no clue why I'm doing this.

I could easily say that I'm being called to do it, but right now that phrase rubs me the wrong way. I'm definitely learning from it and I learn best when I re-write something, not just read it. I'm going to write a Reiki article about it for my Midwifery blog, so that's also a bonus.

I do have the sense that I'm going to finish this project, maybe use it a few times whilst in school and then let it sit for years until I need it again.

More Lessons in Living

It must be the way I have all my favorite books within reach in my new office that is causing me to want to post book reviews.  After the last 2, I just can't resist writing about LifeText: 25 Lessons Rarely Taught in School.

Here, Steven Cohn offers exercises for the body, mind and spirit, each one expanding and stretching how you view each day. Intuition, history, fear, gratitude - it's all in this pocket-sized book, making it easy to carry with you.

On his blog and in his book, we're reminded that in silence, everything is possible and everyday is filled with unduplicated joy and fulfillment. It's really that simple. But we all know that simplicity can be difficult - we are hardwired into fearful beliefs that we must horde to be safe and that giving is counter to security.

The 3 books I've written about all exclaim that happiness, security, joy and fulfillment come form appreciation and giving. If you just read one of them, you will have an understanding of the fluid financial model. If you read all 3, you will have unique perspectives on the direction the world is moving.

Hold This Close

1. The Law of Pure Potentiality

To access your innate ability to create and do anything you desire, practice non-judgement, meditation and silence. Spend time in nature to help with this.

2. The Law of Giving

Give a gift to everyone you meet. This could be a prayer, compliment or smile.  Receive all the gifts that life has to offer; sunlight, birds, your family. This will keep wealth circulating (think fluid financial model - last blog entry).

3. The Law of Karma

Witness the choices you make in each moment (think love vs. fear and choosing to be happy rather than bitter). 

With each choice ask: What are the consequences of this choice? and Will the choice bring fulfillment and happiness to me and others? Ask your heart for guidance.

4. The Law of Least Effort

Practice Acceptance - This moment is as it should be. 

This moment is as it should be. 

This moment is as it should be. 

Take responsibility for your situation and for everything you see as a problem. (The angry lady in my last entry never took responsibility for her own feelings, which led to absolute contempt and bitterness.)

Relinquish the need to defend your point of view. There is no need to convince others.

5. The Law of Intention and Desire

List all your desires and review the list before going into meditation. Then release the list, trusting that the Universe will take care of you.

Be present.

Be present.

Be present.

The first time I truly understood what being present meant was from a yoga book 8 years ago. The author was going through a divorce and was miserable. He was in the process of packing up his house, and plopped on the couch exhausted. He was admiring the mantel above the fireplace and realized that those few moments were the first time he wasn't aching with hurt and anger. It was because he allowed himself to be in the present moment.

6. The Law of Detachment

Allow yourself and those around you the freedom to be themselves without your judgement.

Factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient to LIVING. Only in the past year have I started seeing where uncertainty is a huge part of joy and happiness. Out of the sometimes chaos of uncertainty will solutions appear - they don't appear when you try to force them out.

Remain open to all possibilities and you can experience the fun and magic of living.

7. The Law of Dharma (purpose in life)

Nurture your inner spirit.

Make a list of your unique talents and list what you love to do with those talents. This is part of the fluid financial model.

Daily, ask how you can serve. This is a far more powerful question than what can the world give you.

These lovely and powerful spiritual guidelines were written by Deepak Chopra in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. This is a book that holds a special place on my bookshelf - one within easy reach.

Always Be Generous

Always Be Generous is a mantra I've forgotten since I got laid off. This reminds me that we are moving away from the save-save-save-horde-horde-horde financial model and stepping into a more fluid financial model where wealth is based on generosity and appreciation.

When we give our time, money and gifts to others we are creating space in our lives for even more abundance and happiness. With that purposeful space, we allow prosperity and joy into our lives, which automatically leads to what you want to create.

If you believe that abundance comes from tightly holding onto what you have, that leads to greed and fear....two feelings that never lead to security and joy.

What Happy People Know is a book that reminds its readers that appreciation is the antidote to fear and decisions made from love rather than fear will bring us joy, security, wealth and happiness.

In his book, Dan Baker lists 12 qualities of happiness; love, optimism, courage, a sense of freedom, proactivity, security, health, spirituality, altruism, perspective, humor and purpose.

I'm reminded of a job I had managing a technical support department. The family-owned company was being bought out by a competitor and no one was happy about it. I knew the culture was going to change and I knew I wasn't going to like it as much, but I held onto those 12 qualities throughout the acquisition and I think I was one of the happiest people at that company.

There was a really negative lady who worked there who was fear based and refused to see her own joy in life. She accused me of being naive and not "seeing reality". All I could do was shake my head at the notion that she thought people should be choosing fear and hatred over joy and acceptance. That often automatic decision can truly make you love or resent your life.

So Always Be Generous is a great way to remind ourselves to have faith and love, which will bring joy and light. And read What Happy People Know for a quick reminder of how to be a happy, joyful person.

Thanks Stacy and Dan.

Tending

I'm learning and processing so much.
And I'm exhausted.

House on Fire

Having sick children must be so difficult - I totally get it now.

I lost my anger half way through yesterday when I realized that Dave is actively burning up a lot of stuff that needs to go. This is good for him. He is learning to release guilt and ego and accept surrender and love. All things that Dave deserves.

Caretaker

Through Dave's illness I've realized how much I love taking care of him and how good I am at it. It's because whenever I would be sick, my mother was always there nursing me. That was how she showed love. I actually had a good role model.

In fact, that is how she shows love to this very day. And who am I to deny any person that? Care taking is the only way she knows how to love. I can't hold that from her that anymore.

(All this, by the way, explains why I was such a sickly child - we both needed it.)

One of my best memories of my mother is when I was 20 and I was getting ready to move to Australia. I had a fever and my mom sat in bed with me holding a cool washcloth on my head as I slept in her lap. I remember her telling me that she got her passport in case anything happened to me and I needed her on the other side of the world. She told me if anything happened to her while I was away that I didn't need to come back home.

There is so much sadness and love in that memory.

Pneumonia in Both Lungs

Dave has pneumonia in both lungs. Yesterday morning, when he said he felt grief, he also said he had pneumonia. As the morning moved on his rational mind took over and he doubted what he originally felt.

We called Dr. Leah to come over anyway. On the phone she said he was 2 days away from pneumonia (she's psychic). Listening to his lungs, she said he has had it for 3 days.

It was triggered from our fight - his shattering of self and he's also processing his own father's stuff. Through channeled writing over the summer, Dave was told his father is going to get really sick in April, but pull through. What Dave is going through is a part of what's to come.

I am so angry at his family that they have become so disconnected that my husband has to be ill. I now understand that it is much more difficult for the caretaker than the person suffering. When I was ill, I was happy to help my lineage. As the person who watches I just want to yell at them.

And I have tremendous guilt. So much I don't even have the words to type.

Dave is on powerful Undas every 3 hours. I'm giving him hot cold therapy 3 times a day. Mustard packs on the back, licorice tea, belier broth and castor oil packs. He should be better in a few days - but how long it takes to clear his family stuff - who knows.

Spiritual Sickness

If physical is always spiritual, then Dave and I are clearing something from this lifetime - especially since we both got sick immediately after a fight last week over how we should be spending our money.

The argument knocked Dave off his path and he's feeling pain in his lungs. This morning he said he felt grief there. Referencing some books I found that lungs are about grief.

Not sure what is going on with me. Just another clearing of the old - a light not too far off.

It's OK to Sit

"I'm having anxiety, let's talk about it." Dave sits next to me on the couch, both of us staring at the fire. He begins to ask questions and immediately I know where my anxiety is coming from.

Since Dave picked me up from my CPR class at the Red Cross I've laid in the Living Room under a blanket reading a casual, non-fiction book (not even a spiritual, enlightening piece). All the while Dave was making dinner, feeding the dogs and taking care of house stuff.

This is the first time since I got laid off that I've just sat down and been taken care of. Granted it's because I'm super sick and can't actually do anything, yet there I was having anxiety --- thinking I should be doing something more.

We cataloged what I've accomplished in the 14 days since I got laid off and I felt better. I got a new job at a primo birth center, joined a group of fellow Doulas to act as both support and Labor Doula, interviewed with a friend's husband for a coffee shop position, scheduled appointments with a Doula (light networking) and my Midwifery school so I can get listed as a student Doula to earn my certification. I also moved my office to downstairs, took care of myself, Dave and the puppies, am finishing up my AP class and completed the last step in my school interview process.

I'm working on creative projects, re-organizing stuff around the house, cooking dinner and sometimes just sitting in the rocker looking out the window. I'm thinking about thinking about re-starting my meditation practice and wrote out new cards for my mirror affirmation work.

It's perfectly alright moving at the pace I'm dancing. Work and ideas and fun and creativity are flowing to me right now and that's because I am open to this change and ready to move in the world with a different swing to my hips.

My two biggest concerns right now are wondering if taking a job at the coffee shop is undervaluing what I should really be doing (working more with women in labor and postpartum) (though the event coordination part of the position is what really intrigues me) and trying to figure out how both Dave and I can stumble upon two laptops.

This is good. I feel good and open - though stuffy and cloudy at the moment. I have great feelings about the next few months and know that we will be taken care of.

Collecting My Ghosts

I dream last night that I'm gathering all my ghosts; the old and young ones, the crazy and demented ones, the baby and animal spirits, the maiden and crone and goddess. I'm asking them to come to me. As they enter my space I wrap them in an orange blanket that is around my shoulders and pull them close to my heart. I accept each spirit and promise to take care of them from now on.

In this dream I am both the fun house driver looking out at the ghosts through the windshield of a car, the narrator explaining to myself what is happening and the observer who is slightly afraid by what I see.

Satchel snaps me from my dream to let him outside, he's ill from eating a buried rawhide a year old.

Naked and feverish from being sick all week, I walk downstairs and grab an orange wool blanket that sits on the couch. I wrap it around my shoulders and open the sliding door just in time. I press my body against the window, too weak to stand, and watch my hot breath make ghostly shapes on the window.

I realize that this is a time for me to gather all my ghosts - the small and broken, large and intact pieces of me. We are all coming together so that I can be who I am in this next incarnation of my life.

Ear All Better

Interestingly, less than 5 days after being laid off, my left ear is all better. That's the ear that has been messed up for almost a year. The weeping, flaking, bumpy, itchy ear. This morning it is a little red - and that's all.

So what is that telling me? Why was my ear associated with work? Was I not listening to my passion/guidance/intuition? Does my ear represent a struggle, like in past lives?

Waiting To Go Back

I keep catching myself counting down the days before I have to go back to work only to realize I never have to work in an office again. It's always been hard for me to work in an office. Luckily my last job made it fun and mostly optional. But this is it for me - I don't ever have to do it again.

This is definitely going to take me a long time to get used to. How odd that such an awesome gift can take time to sink in.

Over the past few days I realize how not working has created even more space in my heart to allow for Birthingway. I see now where I wasn't fully accepting of becoming a full-time student because I just could not even imagine what that would be like when I spent the good part of my days engaged in something I only wanted to leave.

Being On Call

I realized that being on call will force me to really appreciate my free time and keep me very present in the moment when I am on call.

Stolen moments with friends, a meal enjoyed.

It's the sleep disturbed that is scary.

Another Inner Resources Dream

I had another dream on Thursday morning that was telling me that I can tap my undiscovered inner resources.

I've been to this place in dreams before, every time it's just a little different. Last night found me suddenly discovering that the house I have been living in has a second floor that I didn't know about, tightly packed with ancient treasures.

In my dream I asked my friends what it means when I visit the same place multiple times in different dreams. I woke with the feeling that I still have resources I have yet to access. This coincides with what Beeata, an amazing healer, told me a few weeks ago. She talked about me discovering this sometime soon.

Feels like the time is right to open myself up to my own guidance.

Slow Down - I'm Here All Day

Not working has really allowed me to slow down and move at my own pace. I started reorganizing closets the other day and noticed the calm pace I was looking through stuff. It was almost dreamy, taking time to look through scraps of paper - which led to craft projects. Reorganizing my markers (love it!) and taking a full inventory of my stuff was accomplished with joy, not a deadline.

Everyone should have this kind of existence all the time - or at least every so often. It's very grounding and guiding.

Coming Out

We have a guest room where two women going through divorces lived over two different summers. That room held a lot of sorrow and stagnant energy.

In line with making public my calling, I've cleared the space and moved my office downstairs.

It's a beautiful space now and I can't wait for guests to flip through my birthing books when they spend the night.

Postpartum Doula At Your Service

Well, I got a job as a Postpartum Doula at an awesome birthing center (it's where I want to apprentice as a Midwife actually) and now I'm totally freaked out. How am I going to be on call from 9am-9pm or 9pm-9am and go to school when my classes start at 9? What about the coffee shop job I need to actually bring money in?

My belly feels full, which means I'm trying to take too much in. I know it will all work out and this whole scheduling my life around being on call is new to me. I just need some guidance and time to let it settle in.

Pay Cut

During class last night I started wondering what the hell I was doing by choosing to move my pay from $31 an hour to $11 an hour. My head started spinning on what type of lifestyle I like and what kinds of changes I'll need to make.

After thinking on it for a bit I followed my path from my first job in Wisconsin. I think I started at $12ish an hour and all I wanted was more more more. I wanted to go to Africa, buy a house, get a dog, travel and not have to budget so much.

Well, I got all those things and then what I really wanted was passion for my work. I'm the type of person who can't handle a job I don't like. It truly makes me unhappy in all areas of my life. Luckily, as I earned more and more money I also worked for really kind, wonderful people. This happiness allowed me to search for that passion.

In those years I was given the opportunity to see both sides and now I get to marry passion and contentment with what I really want. I can allow panic fits about money occasionally, but it won't rule my internal dialog. That's something I am working on right now.

Just Got Laid Off

Yes, the Universe has plans. But I'm still nervous - just a tad.

Inner Resources Dream

My field hockey team had already started playing and I was digging through my bag trying to find my gear and uniform. I couldn't find anything and started panicking thinking I wasn't prepared. I took a deep breath and slowed my search down. Doing that allowed me to see that I really did have everything I needed to start the game.

Dreams are so great. I was letting this dream spin in my head when I woke up and it wasn't until I wrote it down that I grasped what the message was.

Almost Laid Off

I was certain that on Monday I was going to get laid off. If the value I bring to this company is billable hours, than I am of little value to them since I have no work. The partners in Portland had a meeting at 8am on Monday, which is beyond abnormal, so I was sure I was going to be called in.

Though I am totally prepared to have that conversation, it was still odd to sit there and wait. Nothing happened and I ended up working the rest of the afternoon from home.

On Wednesday we had a resource meeting and one of the leads mentioned that we won't really know where we are financially as a company until after Thanksgiving, so that leads me back to my second guess of second or third week in December for my lay off.

I have an interview today at a birth center as a postpartum doula. They have already called my references. The question is if that is what I want to be doing. I know the training is unpaid and it's not exactly what I want (I want to be a labor doula) but this could be a good in. At this point it's all about me deciding what I want out of my next part-time job.

I Asked for Dreams

On Saturday I realized that I'm afraid to get accepted and terrified to not. Dr. Leah said that at this point it is totally up to me.

Every night since Saturday I've been lighting a purple candle, calling down my guides and asking for dreams about the best decision and why I'm afraid.

The first dream was about the mind and flip-flopped between work and school scenes in my hometown. When I was at work I would steal things, worry about what other people thought of me and stress that I wasn't smart enough. During the school scenes I was confident, smart and secure.

My second dream was about my body. I dreamt that once I am doing what I want to be doing, my body will heal. This message came through Nan as people around her worried about her hip, but she knew the truth about her body.

My dream this morning was about working for what I want. For the third night in a row I'm in my hometown and unhappy. Because I am passionate about music and unfulfilled with what is on the radio, I begin my own radio show. It's lots of work and struggle, but after a few years I own my own radio station. The dream ends with me saying that I could finally wear the clothes I want to after all these years because of the effort I put in to creating what I want.

I'm feeling more confident to step into my power as a Midwife and get accepted as a student next year.

Friday is my final step - a 4 hour hour social interview. There I must speak my truth about who I am and what I want to do. With these dreams behind me I see where that is going to flow.

My Interview

Flow of Prosperity
Teaching and Learning
Prosperity
Truth

I'm on the right path, regardless of how I felt after my interview.

Are You a Powerful Person?

Coach Rick asked me a question similar to that over a year ago and my initial reaction was to turn away from the word power. I thought of it as something dominating, masculine, authoritative and dark.

As I continued to do more self-development work I started using phrases like stepping into my power, aligning with my personal power and really began to see where power was actually light.

Power gets things done - it's passion, it's love and protection. It's light and healing.

In terms of birth, power for me means holding the intention of the birth room. It's the ability to bring something into being that doesn't currently exist.

How do I hold that power during birth?

By using my ability to make grounded assessments by tapping into my academic and experiential knowledge as well as my spiritual and healing experiences.

Using healthy discernment at all times.

Having discipline for myself, taking care of myself, knowing what I need to be healthy.

Yielding or moving forward as appropriate.

Not allowing my stuff (judgements, personal opinions) to leak into the situation.

Eclipsed Symbol

On May 19th I posted about a vision I had during an NAET treatment. I was pregnant and wearing my pentacle. A second pentacle appeared below and begun eclipsing the other symbol.

Interestingly enough, a few weeks later I decided to become a Midwife and the school that I will be attending uses the same symbol that I saw in my vision.

I love this Universe.

http://birthingway.org/

I OK

I'm doing well. My left eye is looking pretty good. It seemed to come to a head on Wednesday. On Thursday it was slightly red and today I barely notice.

Whatever happened was a good reminder of all that I have and all that I worked for. Since Tuesday I've been filled with amazing gratitude for my life. I'm truly lucky.

My New Prayer

I come from abundance
I am a channel for abundance

I come from love
I am a channel for love

I come from health
I am a channel for health

The Divine in me
Bows to the Divine in you

About the Birds

Yesterday, as I was trying to fall asleep in the middle of the night, I dreamt that the fur on Maji's right ear was pecked out from birds.

In the afternoon I took one of my magical naps with Satchel on my right and Maji laying directly on my chest. As I was falling asleep I saw an image of a baby eagle with the feathers on its right side of the head missing.

What is the bird a symbol of? Do I have a broken wing? Am I thinking that I am a victim?

I woke from that nap totally blissed out and feeling AMAZING.

Before My Eye

Two Saturdays ago Dave and I went to see Trisha and she energetically removed a pair of 3D glasses I had stitched to my face. I had them there from a long time ago so I wouldn't use my spiritual gifts anymore. Where Trisha was working was where my face begins to feel energetically weird, when my face goes weird. This is right below where my eye is messed up.

Before out appointment with Trisha, Dave discovered that my great aunt Helen's (Nan's sister) green serving platter was broken in our cupboard. We didn't break it, we found it that way.

The day after Trisha's, I had a dream about Aunt Helen's old house - that Dave and I had to go in there and look around. I needed to find something in the basement. I needed to take something back with me. I woke up wondering what secrets Aunt Helen kept.

On Friday I went to see Leah, who knew nothing of this. She asked what is in the cupboard between my stove and kitchen sink. When I answered plates and bowls, she asked what else - in the back right corner? That's where Aunt Helen's green platter was kept.

She tried taking me through a visualization of Aunt Helen's house, she said there was something in the back right corner of her basement. The coal bin is there and I wasn't able to go into that room with Leah.

Whatever is happening to me is here for a reason. I have more tools to handle it then I did in March. But I'm scared. Most of my fear lies around Midwifery. I have 2 important interviews I need to show up for as myself. I'm just scared.

My Left Eye

Yesterday I woke up without any face issues, Dave and I were sitting at the laptop working on a website. He left, I felt something under my eye, went to the bathroom, and literally within 2 minutes a large red and black bump appeared under my left eye.

Over the course of the next hour it disappeared, reappeared, turn black and blue, then morphed into it's original state.

This morning the skin under my eye is swollen, just like it was when I was going through my health crisis. The red area is spreading and it itches.

I'm scared. I have my Midwifery interview on the 6th and what if my face is messed up? What if I can't open my eyes again?

This is not my story. This is not who I am.

What should I do?

Speaking of Opening Up

I've got some other oddities in my body going on.....2 black pieces of something are trying to push their way out of the bottom of my left foot. My left hand is itching, my back is blotchy under the skin and my tongue is swollen on the sides.

Need to clear stuff.
Need to keep it off my skin.

Facebook is Opening Up

Ever since Trisha's prediction on Saturday that a high school friend is going to visit me in Portland, I've been experiencing some significant connections to friends from that time period.

And it was an odd period for me. Most of my friends were getting into heroine and my boyfriend was going insane on drugs and no sleep. I was spinning a web of protection around me to keep everyone away....the lies and hatred were just too much.

I haven't talked to anyone for 12 years and now I'm sharing emails with a key person from those days. He's telling me who has cleaned up and who has died.

Red Face

After class last night the corners of my eyes were wrinkled and red. Any changes my face shows me, I worry.

Everything looked good this morning, but during a meeting at work I felt it flushed. It stayed red for several hours - the Lupus butterfly rash - and now just the tip of my nose and cheeks are red. Interestingly, my nose is cold.

Was is Trisha's work from Saturday?

When I start to feel the energy in my face get funky, it's below my left eye. Never mentioning this to her, she identified that place where I energetically sewed 3D glasses on my cheek so I would never use my spiritual 3rd eye again. She removed them.

Did it have something to do with the presentation I gave at class last night? I easily get red when I'm excited and I was nervous as well. I know I turned red.

I've started eating more dairy - goat yogurt and occasional cheese. Is that it? Perhaps it's the extra fiber in my breakfasts.

Chakra Colors and Feelings

1 - red - peace

2 - orange - giddiness

3 - yellow - ambition

4 - green - movement

5 - blue - serenity

6 - indigo - vitality

7 - violet - heat



These are the feelings that I associate with each chakra.

Laid Off for the Holidays

The angels say I'll be laid off after Thanksgiving, closer to Christmas. There will also be a bonus, since it will be so close to the holidays. I was thinking before Thanksgiving, but they are pretty sure that there will be decorations up when it happens.

I'm looking forward to this time off and collecting unemployment. I've already started planning what I'll be doing - meditating, reading, eliminating clutter, hiking, spending quiet time at home, preparing to become a student.

But my ego is still holding on to the job. I still want to find a part-time job so I could be the first to quit and have control. It's totally ridiculous that my ego would want me to give up unemployment benefits, just so it can be in power.

I know that while I'm unemployed I'll be able to find under the table work - I have no doubts. So this will be perfect. I just need to work on releasing my ego.

No More Therapy

Insurance, being so limiting, only allows me 15 therapy visits per year, and yesterday was my last appointment.

My hope is to go back to Michael once I get my new, part-time job that has great health benefits.

I've got to say that he was the closest I ever came to a spiritual teacher. And he was pretty amazing.

Forgiveness

The whole family got 10 hours of sleep last night. Dave and I both felt that we were processing something.

During my very short Reikition this morning I was feeling lots of energy moving and I started telling my mother that I forgive her for everything.

And it's true - that's really how I feel. I've let it all go. She did the best she could at the time and even though she says she would do it the same again, that just means she has a long way to go.

What I can do is live in Spirit and hopefully be a role model for her.

Mom, I forgive you for everything and know you never meant to harm me. My wish for you is that you can release your anger and accept light and love in your life. I'll help you with that by sending positive energy your way.

I know understand the gift you have given me - you've helped me find my soul and you've taught me to be strong. I can now pass that gift to others through transformative light.

Thank you for everything.

The Faerie Star

Each point on the Faerier Star represents a truth that we should hold as we walk our own authentic path.

As has been told to me, the topmost point represents the belief that we should say what we mean. Love it!

Moving clockwise, the next point is to will our wishes by pairing then with feeling. Think Law of Attraction.

The next point is to know. For me, that means to truly understand that which I seek.

Do what you say is the next point on the 7-pointed star, followed by to keep silent. The silence could indicate meditation, or it could mean not spending extra energy talking about what you want with just anyone, instead really holding that wish sacred and sharing with close friends that can support that dream.

Moving up the star is the to dare point. This represents courage and surrender.

Finally, there is the belief that we should all finish what we begin because the Universe is aware of the commitments we make.

In the center of the star is our higher self.

If we are able to maintain these truths in our daily lives, then we will be able to live a more authentic life.

Question Every Day

How may I serve?

Prayer for Safety

Beloved I am presence bright
Round me seal your tube of light
From Ascended Master plane
Calling forth in God's holy name
Let it keep my temple free
From all discord sent to me
I am calling violet fire
To blaze and transmute all desire
Keeping on in freedom's name
Until I am one with the holy flame.

1am awake

I woke up this morning (last night?) at 1am thinking about the pelvis and vertebrae column. After an hour of my mind running, I did some Reiki only to instantly discover that it's not my academic brain that is keeping me awake, but my confusion over my family and their secrets.

Instead of allowing Dave and I to direct our prayers and healing energy to Pat's highest good, we can't seem to get over the mystery of why they keep secrets.

Having gone through my health crisis in March I totally get the need to be left alone and protected. So here's another option for my family: Tell me what's going on and ask that I not call, send letters, whatever and let Pat and Jim figure it out.

Is it my ego that needs to know? Am I being selfish because I'm offended that my family won't tell me? How should I feel about this?

And Geri. She could change her way of thinking and stop being the victim here. But she won't because, "that's the way I am". It's pitiful.

If something happens to my aunt, my mother will lose her mind. A mother and sister gone. And a daughter that she believes hates her.

The Strength of Secrets

Accidentally Dave and I find out that my Aunt Pat, my mother's sister, is some kind of sick. Her husband, who kept his multiple heart surgeries a secret from his family last year, won't tell Dave why Pat is in Philly getting tested.

I call my mother who then calls Dave back. She plays the martyr role, bearing this burden that she has been sworn to secrecy. Sobbing and hanging up on him. It's to protect us, so we don't worry.

Clearly, I'm still not allowed to sit at the adult table. This leaves me wondering what value-add does my family provide for me at this point. They want me to give and be open, but I'm not allowed to know anything.

What secrets have they kept from me, to protect me?

If my family were wealthy and from the south, they'd be dangerous.

Courage Needed

For the past two days I have been pulling cards that point to a situation happening where my courage is required. It is going to ask of me that I stay true to myself and know that this is the best thing for me.

I'm really obsessing on being laid off and I KNOW that when I think about something I give it power. Yet I can't stop thinking about it.

When I am honest with myself I know it's because I don't want to work anymore and have this strong need to honor my spirit by being a whole person.

I'm using my job as an excuse. Nothing here is preventing me from bring a whole person except me. Yes, I have to go to a building I don't want to be at and keep secret my passion for becoming a Midwife. Yes, there is a person there who is 'watching me' and yes I have to participate in conversations I don't care about.

But really, it's all my doing. I can transcend this and embrace where I am. I am going to try to remember to approach my job with love, because I am the one who signed the employment contract. I am the one who chooses to be a part of this system. No one is forcing me here.

Unconditional love. What would this job look like if I gave it unconditional love?

Dark Dreams

Ever since Nan died, all my dreams involving my hometown and childhood house are in the dark. The light is no longer present.

Lorna

Anyone know anything about a goddess, angel, spirit or faerie named Lorna?

I had the strangest thing happen to me on Sunday evening that is hard to explain, but it involved what I think was some inter-dimensional travel or perhaps a glimpse at a Spirit world.

At any rate, a beautiful woman was there - yellow blonde hair, pink robes and lots of light.

If anyone know anything about this, please let me know.

Job Ego

I've accepted the fact that now is not the right time for me to be searching for a new job. School is my first priority and I can't be taking time away from that pursuit.

But the bigger issue here is my ego. I want to leave my current job now, before I get laid off (which I feel is going to happen in November). I want to remain in control, which means I still care "what they think", which also means I'm not on my path of self-actualization.

There is a lesson here and it's more than just learning to let go. I need to really take a close look at why I'm wanting to be the one in control.

I've never really felt my ego so strongly before as I do around work. I know it's always been there, but I've just never been aware of it like I am now - this is good.

To stay true to myself means that I continue balancing my school and work and be as open as I possibly can to whatever happens - and be clear with myself that that could mean being laid off.

And if I do get laid off, then I collect unemployment, center myself and really open myself to the Universe.

My fears really aren't around money. I know we are going to be taken care of because Dave and I are both doing exactly what we need to be doing in this life. I trust that the Universe will take care of us.

It's just all ego. And ego is a hard shell to crack.

Mother Geri - 3

I took Dave's advice and called Geri. If I'm feeling her building up, then releasing the pressure valve will help.

So I called. Talked for 6 minutes and it was fine. She just wanted to check in, so I let her and again, it didn't bother me.

Interestingly, she mentioned that SHE WAS looking at my Facebook page this weekend with my aunt. I knew it. I feel only slightly creeped out about it but am concerned she might try to get a page so she could be my friend. I'd have to deny her that.

Mother Geri - 2

I just reread my last entry and I don't think I was clear, mostly because I'm not sure exactly what is going on. But here is a better summary:

• I don't have the same emotions attached to her and our relationship that I used to. She is still in a whole other bucket, off to herself.

• I am feeling more pity for her (different than compassion) and feel like I should be doing something more to help her. At what point do I try to figure out why I have this need to help her?

• I am feeling like I am being watched by her. I've had fleeting thoughts that she logged onto Facebook with my Aunt's account and looked at my page - stuff like that. I know she is really in my energetic space.

Interestingly, as I was typing that my left ear got a sharp, quick and intense pain in it. This is the ear that is still a little messed up. I touched my ear, then put my hand over my mouth. Why would I cover my mouth? What does that mean?

• I need to sit with this more. Journal. Try to figure out where this pressure is coming from.

Mother Geri

I think Geri's new thing is to call me every other week (she left a message on Sunday). I can live with that - but only if I feel sure that my boundaries are being respected. Of course, it is totally up to me to determine when they aren't being honored. So, this is a lesson in being able to listen to myself. And that's not really what is going on for me right now.

Right now I am feeling a lot of energetic pressure coming from her direction. It's like a wall that moved at a high speed to reach me and now is slowing and steadily inching it's way, ready to crush me.

This is where protecting my energy really comes in. Every morning, during my Reikitation, I create layers and layers of healing light and love and color around my body.

And this is different than it used to be. I don't feel that I need her approval like I used to or that I want things to be different between us. I have accepted our relationship, now there is something else that needs to happen and I am not able to identify it quite yet.

I am now truly able to observe what is happening and respond to it. And my response is that I am a little scared, like I am about to be suffocated.

Looking for a Coven

Searching for a solid coven in Portland.........

Protecting Myself

On Thursday I has a powerful energy session with Dr. Leah. She said I need to begin protecting my energy for when I become a Midwife.

That makes total sense to me and I've been having similar feelings as well. I know I am going to be a part of sickness and death as a Midwife and I need to ensure those energies don't come into my person and make me physically ill.

Leah also pointed out that I am going to be delivering babies that have had earth lives before and I need to be able to ground them to this plane. I feel that is a partnership between Nan and I; She sends the spirits down with everything they need and I ground them to this earth.

Protecting all your energy fields takes time and it is a good idea to begin now.

I'm Offering Healing Sessions

Reiki, Shamballa and Multi-Dimensional Healing Sessions to assist with your physical, emotional and spiritual movement.

My focus is on supporting women as they walk their path with grace, power, integrity and health. Each session is uniquely guided and may include crystal therapy, divination and sacred card readings.

I offer 60 – 90 minute sessions for $45 - $75 based on what each person feels the session is worth. Sessions can be held in your home or in my practice space in NE Portland.

Something Sacred

I had a great session with my therapist Michael yesterday. Towards the end he mentioned a Sweat Lodge ceremony and I told him about the one I attended last week. I closed my eyes to answer his question of what it meant to me and my eyes started moving violently back and forth, beyond my control.

This happened to me the first time I met with Christy and had a past life reading and one time on the table with Leah during energy work. It's a form of release, the eyes hold a lot of old patterns.

So my eyes did this about 5 times, I opened them, told my story and left the office. As soon as I got in the car I saw a past life that Michael and I shared.

We were partners, working to achieve something together. I had something he needed - that something feels round, heavy and sacred. We worked together and my sense is that I was a woman because I had to stay in the background. We were studying something powerful and sacred.

He treated me very fairly. And I believe this is the first life I have ever known of where I wasn't abused by someone who was close to me.

I was a slight woman and had brown hair. He was tall with similar hair. It was by candlelight that we worked and of this earth time. I think I was taken away.

When I got home my right eye was completely bloodshot and dilated and clear while my left eye was normal and milky. I tripped out for about 15 minutes, then ate dinner.

My New Job

I'm definitely ready to leave my job. I've completely disconnected and started the job search.

Here is what I want:

My new job is located in downtown Portland in the women/baby health, childbirth, or legislature arenas. My new is full-time and begins in October of this year and drops down to part-time in March when I begin school. My new job will sustain me throughout Midwifery school. I have a lot of flexibility in my schedule and often work from home. My new job pays between $25 and $40 dollars per hour and I learn a lot from it. And the benefits are outstanding!!!

Morning Truth

I rejoice in others' successes, knowing there is plenty for all of us

Morning Truth

I am open and receptive to all the good and abundance in the Universe

Morning Truth

I am opening my consciousness to a greater prosperity that includes an increase in our household income

Morning Truth

Money is energy and I am wealthy

Hurt People Hurt People

Another spin on the canoe is always empty is to remember that hurt people tend to hurt people. Most people don't really want to harm others, and if point it out to them they will usually stop. Most of the time, they are just feeling bad for themselves, think they were wronged in some way or whatever they tell themselves.

Hurt people hurt people.

It's something smart to keep in mind. If you can remove yourself from the struggle/argument/fight it really helps.

No More Weights

I removed the last of my piercings (rook and tongue). I've had them for over 14 years and they represented a rebellious time trying to get away from Geri. I don't need that kind if energy around me anymore.

The removal of my tongue ring was a spiritual experience. My whole body tingled and I felt so light - no more mother, no more metal - only energy freely flowing. Nothing was blocking those meridians anymore.

Of course I can always get my nose pierced, a small diamond perhaps. Or a tattoo. Dave and I are still talking about those.

My Mother Called

This is totally weird. My mother never calls me, but she did today. At first my heart started racing and I got really uptight, then I remembered that it's all OK, I have accepted this relationship and just went with the flow.

She talked and talked and talked. She talked so much (she's not a talker at all, more of a question asker) that I started to suspect she was on drugs (she's pretty anti any type of medical intervention). She talked so much that when she did ask me questions she interrupted my answers. I can't even explain how unusual this behavior is.

On and on about the house, rain, getting older, New York, the slowness of the mail....I just sat back and rejoiced in the fact that I no longer have to do anything. I don't even have to answer questions. I can just watch Geri pay attention to herself and, if I am inclined, drop some guidance her way (and not be offended if she doesn't take it).

All I had to do was let go. This is the most amazing shift I have ever seen. And I don't even mind if she wants to call me every so often.

I wonder if she is on pills.

The Canoe is Always Empty

Picture yourself lying in a canoe, relaxing in the middle of a lake. All is quiet and peaceful and you are loving your new metal canoe. Suddenly, another canoe slams into your canoe and puts a dent in it and scares the crap out of you.

You sit up and look around. What's your first reaction? How do you feel in your body? How do you react if the canoe that hit you is empty and just drifted from the shore? What about if the canoe has someone in it?

Most people accept the situation easier if the canoe is empty vs. if there was a person in it responsible for hitting your canoe.

If we can take ourselves out of any tense situation and understand that the canoe is always empty, then we can step away from our ego and move with the situation.

My Left Ear

My left ear skin problems have never gone away and now they seem to be getting worse, or at least changing at a rapid pace.

The skin behind my ear is red, dry and painful and the rash is spreading, in an even fashion, towards the back of my head and slightly across my neck under my face.

I had energy work with Dr. Leah on Friday and the next day a full stream of freckles (it looks like sun damage) appeared from behind my ear and almost toward my chin.

My body is trying to tell me something...I need to listen.

Leah said I need to work on getting my lower and upper half of my body connected again. I feel that disconnect and have been using Reiki to seal both halves together.

Morning Truth

I continue to have more than enough money to sustain my dreams

Uncovered Gifts

I wonder what I'd be doing right now if I had it easy with my mother. Probably making lots of money and being unhappy.

Instead I get to reinvent myself as a leader in birth and forgive my mother.

What a gift.

Morning Truth

I am open and receptive to new avenues of income

Morning Truth

I have friends, many of them

Morning Truth

As a matter of fact, people occasionally leave and that's the natural flow of life

If It's Heavy Set It Down

I'M FIXED!!!!
Totally over the whole mother thing.

Do I respect my mother?
No.
So give up. Accept that my relationship with her will be superficial and carry on with the rest of my life.
But that's not how I live my life, all my other relationships are authentic.

There is blood between us that made her worry about me for 9 months and then worry about me for 18 years. She didn't spend that time being my friend, she spent that time making sure I was okay. And that is all she wants now, just to make sure I am okay - not get to know me.

I'm not going to have a mother-daughter relationship, so I released that desire.

Who cares now.....Now I have a superficial relationship with my mother. I'll write her note cards that don't say anything and accept her weather reports from Pennsylvania.

If it's heavy, set it down.

I feel phenomenal.
All that energy to support something I wasn't even meant to carry has been freed up to my highest good.

Dave thinks this all has to do with the Hadron Collider going into action today: http://voanews.com/english/2008-09-07-voa5.cfm

I think it has to do with EVERYTHING.

Morning Truth

I have evidence that I can do anything

The Job

Sigh. A bunch of people got laid off yesterday, both in my office and throughout the states. It's really interesting to see how disengaged I am compared to my last job.

With that said, I still held my breath every time someone walked up behind me at my desk. But I was willing to just go with it and know that everything happens for a reason.

And now.....I want to be working there even less. I don't want to fill my days with meetings, clients and other people's money-making needs. I hate that I have to give myself over in a way that doesn't serve my soul.

But it does serve my soul. Because of this job I am able to afford the lifestyle I want. In fact, it is the exact lifestyle I want - travel, food, entertainment, savings. And for that I am grateful.

I have 5 more months before I can leave, 4 months before I know for sure. I need reminders though......

Write More

During my Reiki session this morning I was guided to write more. I think that means journaling (which I haven't been doing), putting together my Reiki book and blogging.

I feel I have so much I want to do, which is why I must be naturally getting up at 4am and jumping into my day. I am wondering however, if that is just a numbing tactic to avoid the death of a dream around my mother.

When I feel good, I tell myself I'm not feeling the grieving process and when I feel bad I tell myself that I should be taking action around her. I really just feel like I'm not handling it right - which is absurd.

I thought that maybe I should stop calling her my mother. This morning I journaling using her name, which felt weird, but then when I did my mirror work with her name it felt pretty good. This is all part of letting go of the mother fantasy. I never really had a caring, compassionate mother for most of my life and it is time to release the desire.

I have people all around me that love and support me. I've created the life I want and I am working on handing over my needs to a Divine Mother.

Life is painful, but there is no need to suffer.

Morning Truth

I am grateful that I can work from home

Reiki Attunements

I was attuned on Saturday for Reiki Levels 3 & 4, which means I am now able to attune others. I never intended to teach people, but during the class and during subsequent self-healing sessions I have been guided to offer attunement workshops.

The most important part of this has to do with the handbook. Apparently, instead of using the book that I was given, I need to create my own.

I'm totally into this idea - think it's great. Just not sure how I'm going to fit that into my schedule. But I know it will happen organically.

Morning Truth

I am caring, compassionate and loving with people I trust

Morning Truth

I bless everyone, no matter where they are in their life

Mirror

My mother is a mirror for me, giving me the option to choose to love myself.
And maybe one day I'll be grateful for that.

I know I need to choose to love myself. Spirit doesn't tie me to her.

Last night I was automatic writing and wrote that my inner child needs to be around people who love and fully support everything I do.
That's the answer to the question I didn't want to ask......Should I stop contact with my mother?

Morning Truth

I am capable, resourceful and successful at what I do

What I Wanted From My Mother

I can't tell what I am most sad about, but I think it has to do with how I finally figured out what kind of relationship I wanted with my mother.

I never knew what I wanted, only what I didn't want. I knew I didn't want us to be friends, or to go out for tea together - but that's where my knowing stopped.

Before she freaked on Dave, I received a wonderful note from her that wasn't just a newspaper report. She talked about how she misses Nan and showed genuine interest in my path to Midwifery.

I was so excited, I truly thought that she was enjoying this process and trying to work with me on it. I fell for it and shared with her some of my beliefs about where Nan is and then I offered to send her my Midwifery application essays (heavily edited of course).

I'm embarrassed that I even went down that road. I guess I thought things had changed. I wanted them to be different so badly.

Stockholm syndrome is a response that hostage victims can sometimes have where they begin to fall in love with their captors. The victim gets beaten every day and on the day they don't, they thank their captors.

We're all susceptible to it in one form or another, and that's what happened to me.

I also realized what I did want from my mother......I wanted her to look at me for who I genuinely am, my authentic self, with a spark in her eye and be proud of me.

I realized that and in the same instant I understood that my mother is incapable of that kind of love. That makes me sad.

Stark Light

I'm starting to see that the road to compassion means I will have to see my mother for who she really is. And who wants to be a part of that?

Morning Truth

I forgive myself

Morning Truth

I love myself

Looking for a Divine Mother

There is definitely a death happening. I sense it. Every day that passes I feel worse - a bit more lost and unsure.

I don't have a mother or a father right now.

I'm looking for a Divine Mother. Anyone know where I should go?

Morning Truth

People like when I'm silly and I enjoy laughter and fun

Bubbles of Love

Something that is really sticking in my mind this morning is that my mother righteously believes that her meanness and the horrible way she treated me is the reason I didn't get pregnant at 15, didn't end up in jail, and why I'm not on drugs.

It goes beyond my teenage years. It's like I had no part in shaping my life. This wasn't a partnership, this was a dictatorship and I was barely sentient in her mind.

As odd as this sounds, her behavior makes me want to have children just so I can give them that childhood that I never had and work with and respect who they are as people....because children are thinking, feeling people - and it's just something that a lot of people don't get.

And I know what I just wrote makes no sense. But I'm feeling like I want to take everyone I care about and wrap them in a bubble of love.

Morning Truth

I am beautiful, every part of me

It's helpful to remember things like this and continue with morning meditations...even when it's the last thing you want to do.

Feeling Sorry

I'm tired and really wish I could sit on the couch and read and journal all day. I just feel like being mopey and take care of myself.

But Dave is still gone and I need to take care of the puppies, myself and then go to work where I have 6 hours of meetings and 1 hour of time that isn't scheduled.

Then I'll come home and the pups will be needy since they have been home alone, so I'll take them out and clean the house up a bit and make cornbread before I pick Dave up from the airport.

Which really isn't all that bad, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I pulled an Ascended Master card this morning that told me I need to be authentic with loved ones and have a difficult conversation, even if it seems like I will hurt them. In the long run, the card said, everything will be better.

And I know it will, I just feel like being taken care of today.

But Wait...

...by writing her that letter I'm trying to put her in a place of dis-empowerment. I'm just wanting to show her that I'm in control and that's not something I need to do. I know I'm in my power and I don't need to prove it to her.

She is trying her best to trigger me and I do not need to respond unless I am inspired from the heart.

I need to be kind to myself right now.

The Next Question

The next question I need to get clear on is am I ready to hear what she has to say.

The Rules Have Changed

My mother is crazy. I mean truly mad. She is an angry, negative person who feels she is too old to change and is, "tired of trying".

Dave went over her house last night while he was in Pennsylvania and she told him that she is still proud of the way she raised me and my brother; Dragging me to church, not trusting me, hating my boyfriends, following me in her van, hitting me, kicking me out of the house, never once believing me.

I had hoped that after all this time she would see, even just a little, that her way is not always the right way.

The worst part is that she made fun of me to Dave about me trying to figure out who I am and how I can heal from my past. She, "doesn't want to be doing all this touchy feely stuff" and is not open to accepting me for who I am.

My head is still swirling, I just don't understand. I feel like I found out my friend really doesn't like me and talks bad about me behind my back. Not that she was ever my friend, but it's that same betrayal. Or worse. Here is my mother, still mocking me and making faces.

Here I was thinking that we were making progress in our relationship by being open and sharing our thoughts. It's just not true.

So here is the deal. I’m choosing not to ignore the conversation she had with Dave. Usually I would, but I am not going to live on that inauthentic level. I don't have space in my life for those kinds of games.

I'm going to write her a letter. I'm going to tell her that I had no idea she was dangling me around and not really wanting to be a part of who I really am and that she isn't really willing to be open and look at our relationship in a different light.

One time in high school she caught me skipping school and hung a sign on my door that read, “The rules have changed”.

That applies right now…The rules have changed for her.

She has 2 options. She tells me that she was venting to Dave and it felt great, but she truly doesn't believe that she had a right to treat me the way she did and that she is willing to try and be open and accept me for who I am. And she apologizes. OR she has the same conversation she had with Dave with me instead.

I'm going to tell her that option number 2 means she talks about why she was so mean to me growing up and what her true feelings are about the way I live my life today. She also needs to talk about why she asked Dave if I was ever sexually abused as a child a few years ago and what her comment yesterday about my dad hurting me means.

Those are her options and until she responds to one of them I am going to live my life in Portland without contact with my mother. There will be no more letters. No pretend conversations. I'm done. I either have a real mother or I don't.

I am so angry. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I feel so stupid for even thinking that my mother could participate on the level I was trying to meet her at.

This is good though. It's better to find out now than after wasting a year of letters. I feel the door has been blown open.

I just don't understand. I don't understand why things have to be like this for her. Why does she say things like she would do it all the same if she had to. Why is she so righteously proud of her actions even though she knows her actions hurt her own children.

Morning Truth

I appreciate when I am relaxed and open to the moment

Morning Truth

It's OK to cry and feel what is deep inside

Morning Truth

When I listen to my body and trust my feelings I am always successful

College Mindset

When I started studying for my AP class all sorts of Penn State memories came back and I began wondering which coffee shop I'll be hanging out in once school starts in March. I looked for my colored markers and wondered if my old studying habits were still going to serve me in this new lifetime.

The Universe being what it is, put me in touch with my roommate from PSU a few days ago. We were amazing friends throughout school then had a falling out after we both left Happy Valley.

I felt a lot of comfort sitting on her old couch, that is now in my living room, studying to become a Midwife.

Life is pretty spectacular.

Morning Truth

I am open to uncertainty and have experienced the joys of the unknown

Getting In My Own Way

I don't want to be at work anymore. Just not interested in the job; managing projects, people or budgets. I can't stand the politics of it and I seem to be unable to be present and sink my teeth into my actual work.

That's the thing - work has been fun for me. I get to take clients to old-school video arcades, network within the company to figure out who should be on my project teams, work with mostly smart and easy-going people and manage projects that have a lot of visibility.

But I'm just not there anymore. Picking up my textbooks for my first pre-requisite Midwifery class really made it clear to me - I need to be doing something else. It's not like I didn't hear that message before, but now it's more in my face on a physical level.

Here is what I need to keep in mind:
1. I remain present throughout my day
2. I go to work each day with joy, because it is my choice to work there
3. I am grateful that I work from home a few times a week

During my channeled writing I wrote that I will be at my job 6 months straight. That puts me at mid-February. The politics of work are going to clear up and things will start flowing easier...then I don't think I'll have these concerns anymore.

If anyone has any tips, please share.

Morning Truth

I am open to all that life has to offer, even when I can't see the next step

Vows We Make

Trisha performed energetic surgery to remove my cysts. She said that in recent previous lives I made a vow never to have children and that's why I suffer from cramps and have those growths.

I have very distinct memory of walking to middle school and telling myself that I was infertile. I even remember thinking in high school that birth control didn't much matter to me because I would never be able to have children anyway.

Nan handed the Karmic Gods my file and asked them to remove all vows, curses and karmic debt.

I'm so glad Nan is in my corner.

Morning Truth

I am grateful for every encounter

Bless This Food

I've started blessing my food before I eat it. I lay my hands over the meal and ask that it be filled with healing light and love and that it's nutrition be transformed into exactly what my body needs.

Trisha says that you can make any kind of food perfectly nutritious specifically for you by doing this. This theory is similar to Dr. Emoto's studies on the power of meditation over water - If you pray over your food, the molecular structure of the food will be altered to benefit you. (http://www.life-enthusiast.com/twilight/research_emoto.htm)

Lately, I've found that I've been eating when I'm not really hungry and filling my stomach with empty foods. I've begun using my body as a pendulum to determine what types of food I should be eating and when. This has been an amazing experience.

I hold the thought of eating a particular food or actually hold the food, center myself with one or two breaths, then ask if I should eat this. If my body moves back, that is a no. A yes is a step forward.

I recommend that everyone try this technique...and let me know your results. Remember, your body knows what it needs. This is a form of muscle testing that is quick and easy.

Morning Truth

Life is most exciting when I am open to mystery, fun and uncertainty

Work Notes

I told Trisha that the idea of dropping down to part time at my current job while I am in school has been causing me a lot of stress and I just don't feel I could do it, though I know Dave needs me earn that kind of money.

She said my job would allow me to work part time, but they wouldn't honor my time and would still expect me to perform up to my full potential, regardless of school. Trisha also said that my energy is rekeyed and it would be difficult for me to stay in that kind of environment.

She saw me working for a non-profit called NWREL as a teacher/leader or at least in the same building as where this office is. She saw me downtown, by the water, working part time and earning $15-20 per hour.

Two co-workers came up a lot during my session. The first was a guy who I really like and always felt very strongly that he was an older brother in a past life and someone I admired and loved so much. She confirmed that.

The other is a guy I don't like so much who has been causing me grief. She said he used to be my teacher in a one room school in a small town for many years and I hated him then. He used to upset my stomach as a child and is now causing lots of bitterness in my gallbladder.

She said he is aggressively pursuing me at work because he wants me to play the role of student in this lifetime but actually our roles are somewhat reversed right now. He is being called to be a leader both in and outside of work and he needs to follow my leadership example. His lesson right now is to learn to be a good leader.

She said he is forcing me to be a hard ass when I really don't want to be. Trisha worked the energy so that I can hold that kind of space yet not believe in it.

As for my former brother, she saw that he has taken on more than he could handle and has given me a lot of his responsibility. His lesson is to learn that he will be able to do everything he wants to do with Divine Timing, not human timing. She gave him a set of scales.

She said he has big energy that comes from a heart space but is causing a fog in my head, which she cleared.

Trisha mentioned I could tell him about Midwifery after I get accepted. If I told him before then he would unconsciously sabotage me at work because he needs me to help him hold his space. By the time I get accepted work will be flowing better for him and he will be able to be on his own. She said he will probably be a huge resource for me and help me get a different job.

It's weird about this guy at work. I felt an instant connection with him and knew we had past lives together. He's the guy I mentioned in my very first blog entry about people being so intuitive they don't even know it. He's also the guy who wants to know more about my spirituality and at the same time admits he's not ready to hear what I have to say.

I always knew we had something to teach each other. He is always telling me how he couldn't do his job if I wasn't around. I thought he was just being nice, but now I see where it's his truth.

This world is just simply amazing.

Automatic Writing

Trisha said that I am perfectly wired to practice automatic writing or be a physical channel. She said everything is there for me and I don't need to learn anything, I just need to refine my technique.

I tried it yesterday morning by writing my questions out with my non-dominate hand. The message I received for me is that all is well, beautiful.

For Dave there is a lot of opportunity out there that he is not aware of, he just needs to look up and straight.

It's easy for me to know how to do this. I feel I can only use pencil, which I hate using when in my daily life. The writing just flows and when my head gets in the way my hand becomes heavy and stops. Example, I asked what my name was and I wanted to write Michelle, but my head got in the way and I started writing Courtney and my hand just wouldn't move anymore.

When I asked what job will bring in lots of money for Dave I knew I was meant to write about an opportunity that involves singing or his voice, but instead I wanted to write something else and the message just stopped and I wasn't able to writing with my left hand anymore.

Trisha recommenced I work with a local gal to help with my channeling. How exciting!

Morning Truth

I am balanced in my creative flow